


My First Kiss at the Public Execution

by EqualsTrashFlavoredTrash



Category: Divergent (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Love Triangle, state execution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:29:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EqualsTrashFlavoredTrash/pseuds/EqualsTrashFlavoredTrash
Summary: Mott works under Eric in Dauntless and finds herself persued by him while facing other questions about her life





	1. Chapter 1

 

> so won’t you hold me closer  
>  just one more minute  
>  until the executions over?  
>  just one more minute 

I had that dream again. The one where I’m at the farm walking through the tall grass of the back forty towards the old willow tree. I don’t know why but I’m absolutely positive that she’s there, hiding just behind the hanging branches of leaves. She has to be.

I can hear the cicadas buzzing as I begin to run with excitement. I’m so eager to see her face again I don’t care about the thin blades of grass that whip at my shins as I carve a path through the field.

But the tree remains forever on the horizon, impossibly far away. No matter how much I pump my legs I never get close. I never get the chance to see her again.

My eyes snapped open. The dream had felt so real, like I was actually there, home again. The springs of the bed groaned as I rolled over, pressing the heels of my palms against my eyelids.

The only thing I missed from Amity was being outside in the sun. Playing in the fields where there were no walls and I could run free. Here at Dauntless I felt like a mole, constantly scurrying through damp underground tunnels, barely ever seeing the sky. Though over years I’d grown accustomed to the darkness. It had become familiar and running in the grass was now only a memory of childhood folly, something I did only in my dreams.

It wasn’t until I started to move, yawning as I sat on the edge of the bed, that I noticed the clock. The glowing red letters flashed, reading ‘12:00’. The power must have gone out in the night and so, not only had my alarm not gone off, I had no idea how late I was. The one thing I did know, was that Eric was going to kill me.

Ten minutes later I stood outside his office door, trying to catch my breath after sprinting across the compound before I went in.

“Mott. You’re late,” a stern male voice rang out the instant I opened the door. Eric stood over his desk, leaning forward on his knuckles, illuminated from behind by a fluorescent lamp. He looked as imposing as ever. Across the desk stood three other men. All were at ease with their hands behind their backs as they collectively looked over their shoulders at me.

“I know sir,” I began, closing the door behind me. I stood still and straight with my hands to my side as I finished, “The power went out in my dormitory during the night. My alarm never went off, sir.” I could see the muscles in his cheeks as his jaw tensed, contemplating my excuse. He studied me through squinted eyes for an uncomfortably long amount of time before he stood up straight.

“Fall in,” he commanded with a wave, turning to look back to the other underlings. I hurried over, standing in line and mimicking their stance, keeping my hands clasped behind me.

“As I was saying. Jason will be working on arranging the details of the rotation schedule of the fence for next month. Alexander and Rodney will be acting as my proxy for a meeting with Johanna about her request for an the increase of guards for the food convoys to the city.” He looked to each as he spoke, and they all responded with a curt nod, showing they understood. Then he turned his eyes to me, “And you will be the stenographer for my meetings today.” I tried to ignore his smirk and focused on keeping my face still, not letting him see my disappointment.

I applied for the leadership training program on a whim, surprised that I actually qualified. I had done well in initiation only because I was stronger than everyone else. Most of the transfer class had been from Erudite and spent their lives reading and studying. While across the city I had grown up doing manual labor on the farm. I prefered it though, I could never sit still long enough to read a book. And I never would’ve thought that having to lug around bags of feed all day would help me survive the hazing in Dauntless.

Being accepted to train under the leaders is supposed to be a great honor, one people have literally killed for, but I wish I had never been selected. I’d rather be out on the wall doing patrol than having to stand here without moving, obeying the every command of a sadistic asshole.

The jobs he delegated to us were supposed to be on rotation, so we’d all spend equal time learning the different skills needed for a leader of Dauntless, but he did not do that. I never got to be a proxy, or even leave the compound. I would either be stuck with menial tasks or forced to act as a glorified secretary.

I had to stand there still, waiting as he explained the specific details of their tasks to each of the boys. With a wave of his hand he dismissed the others before turning to me.

“We’re going to Erudite,” he stated with a grin.

I hurried behind Eric trying to keep up as he took long strides across the concrete towards the entrance to the compound. I kept my head down, trying to avoid looking at the newest addition to their courtyard. Just the thought of it made me shudder. At first glance it looks to be a stage. A simple platform held up by two neon orange beams that arch above with closer inspection, you can see the series of noises that hang from the brightly colored joists as the ropes sway in the wind.

The public executions of the Divergent and their sympathisers was a regular occurrence now. It was used as a way to shame and vilify those who were different, while also bringing the city closer through a shared hatred. I despised the noise of the the crowd cheering for the death of the wrongdoer and avoided it when I could, always offering to work long hours on those days.

Once inside the conference room, I was seated to Eric’s right at the large meeting table. There were about five other people around the table, each accompanied by their own assistants. Once Jenean started talking I began to type on the small tablet, mindlessly taking notes of everything said. This continued for hours as they reviewed plans and discussed future changes.

“Today’s execution will be at seven o'clock,” one of the men eventually stated. I could tell by his black suit and white lapels that he was Candor, where all the trials are held. “Four factionless caught trying to steal food, and two of them tested positive for divergence,” he explained before handing around papers that listed the details for the event later today.

Eric tossed the sheet to me without looking at it. I scanned the page quickly, moving to tuck it in with the other notes when something caught my eye.

There in black ink at the bottom of the list was her name.

4\. Baker, Layla

I froze with the sheet of paper in my hands as my mind was thrown back to the last time we were together under the willow.

She was wearing the yellow jumper I had made her as we laid against the trunk in the early summer shade of the tree, our heads resting together while idly playing with each others fingers. The light of the setting sun filtered through the leaves, blanketing us in a warm speckled glow.

“Inconclusive? What is that supposed to mean?” I asked quietly as I rubbed my thumb across her knuckles. It was the day after our placement tests, I got Dauntless and I was sure she would too. I thought we were going to be together forever.

I could remember looking up at her, watching the way the sunlight danced across her face making her dark skin glow. Everyone would say that her eyes were black like oil, but in moments like this when we were alone, I could see the warm brown of her irises as they glinted in the sun.

“It means I don’t belong here,” she whispered, water welling in her eyes.

“You belong with me,” I pressed unable to imagine where she would go. There was only the city. There was only the factions.

“I’m running away,” she stated, looking at me as a tear ran down her cheek, “I’m leaving tomorrow, I found a way out.”

I was speechless as she took my hand and held it to her chest, “Come with me,” she pleaded.

“I- I can’t,” I stuttered. I felt like my world was collapsing around me. Suddenly all my hopes for the future now sat under foot in jagged broken shards.

“You can’t or you won’t?” she replied in a biting tone.

“I- I’m going to Dauntless, and you are too. You’re going with me,” I said, hoping she’d agree.

“Don’t you understand?” she pressed, begging with her eyes for me to comprehend, “I can’t live in the city, Mott, I’m not like everyone else. I don’t fit in. Please, just come with me,” a million different possibilities raced through my mind at once. How could someone survive without the city? Did she plan to live in the wastes beyond the fence?

“I’m leaving tomorrow, I’ll be waiting here under the tree at sundown. Don’t come if you aren’t going to join me.”

I was brought back to reality by Eric’s fingers snapping in front of my face. I had zoned out for the entire end of the meeting. I hurried, pushing everything in my bag before briskly walking to catch up with him as he crossed the room to leave.

Once we had returned to Eric’s office he grabbed the folder from my hands. Thumbing through the leaves, he pulled out a single sheet as he sat in the chair behind his desk. I stood in a resting position waiting for him to speak. He leaned back as he laid a finger on his chin reviewing the page.

“So which of them do you know?” he asked abruptly, keeping his eyes trained on the page.

“Excuse me?” I asked nervous about what he meant. The last thing I wanted was for Eric to know about my personal life and past, I couldn’t begin to imagine all the ways he’d be able to use it against me.

“Don’t play dumb,” he snapped looking up, “What name on this list did you recognize.”

I fought the urge to look towards him, trying to keep my expression neutral as I focused on the blank stone wall in front of me. I swallowed hard before responding, “The fourth one, sir.”

He hummed as he looked back over the list, “Layla, you mean?” he asked with a general tone, “That would make sense, she’s also from Amity. Where you close?” Though I kept my face forward I could tell from the corner of my eye that he was studying me, watching for my reaction.

“No sir, not very. Just classmates in school,” I replied in a flat tone.

“Did you know she was factionless?” he questioned, continuing to press the subject.

“No sir,” I forced myself to reply, using every last bit of self control to remain still as I stood in front of him, “I did not know she was factionless.”

He sat in his chair again contemplating my answer as I stood rigid in front of him, waiting for him to ask the next apparent question; 'Did you know she was divergent?’

“Very well,” he finally spoke, “You’re dismissed for now, go have an early dinner and meet me in The Pit at six o'clock sharp,” he stated as I began to nod, showing I understood the orders before he continued, “We have an execution to see tonight.”

I couldn’t help as my head whipped to the side, looking at him. He sat with a content expression, obviously excited for what would happen this evening.

I couldn’t eat. I sat in the cafeteria, staring at my hamburger, trying not to cry. Crying was frowned upon in Dauntless. There was barely anyone around since no one really ate this early, but even still I did not want them to see. I knew how the rumor mill worked here, and there was nothing more disgraceful upon than sobbing in public. I gnawed on my lip trying to fight back the tears.

I fought to keep down my thoughts of Layla, finally lifting up my burger and taking a bite. The food felt like plastic in my mouth as I chewed and swallowed.

I didn’t know why Eric was doing this to me. When I first started working under him I just assumed he didn’t think I was as capable as the other boys. That’s how it’d always felt during initiation.

After I had won my first sparring match I stood over the lanky boy from Erudite as he laid on the floor of the ring, hoping I had impressed my instructor. That was what I thought of Eric at the time, before I had gotten to know him better.

“Really?” He called out, staring daggers at the boy on the mat, “You’re going to tapout in a fight with some little girl from Amity? All they’re good at is picking flower, terrible singing and hugging everyone,” He looked disgusted as he spoke, “And you lose a boxing match to her?” he jerked his thumb towards me as Four interrupted calling out the next pair to spar.

I had taken two bites of my food before I had to put it down, resting my elbows on the table, and pressing my hands over my eyes. Eric and Layla couldn’t be two more different people. She was so open and warm. When you spoke with her it really felt like she was listening and cared about what you had to say. She was honest but not like biting honest in Candor, she was kind and cared about others’ happiness.

Eric was the polar opposite. He was cold, manipulative, and egotistical. He was a textbook sociopath who never got personal and cared for nothing but himself. The only time he had actually asked me a question about myself, he was piss drunk.

It had been another execution that day, so I had offered to work overtime. I was in his office late at night when he burst through the door. He didn’t stumble as he walked, remaining well composed as he crossed the tile floor to where I knelt by the filing cabinet. I could tell by his bloodshot eyes he had been indulgent at the afterparty.

“Uhm, shouldn’t you go home, sir?” I suggested in a careful voice as he stopped, standing over me while I crouched besides the files I had been sorting on the floor.

“I knew you’d be here,” he replied, as I stood up in front him.

“Excuse me?” I was used to being at Eric’s beck and call, and the idea that he would come looking for me seemed backwards.

“I knew you’d be here and I wanted to talk to you.” This made me nervous. I was almost certain I hadn’t done anything wrong but I’m sure he had a long list of everything I’d ever fucked up.

“What did you need to speak with me about, sir?” I asked as I avoided eye contact, trying to not let him see who on edge I was.

“Do you miss Amity?” his question surprised me, he had never wanted to know anything about me beyond my name and even still I’m pretty sure he didn’t care much about that.

“Sometimes,” I replied, focusing my eyes on his chin, “I miss being outside, sir.”

“Are the people in Amity really as nice to each other as they say?” I was completely flabbergast as to why he suddenly wanted to know so much about my original faction. I tried not to flinch as he gently rested his finger under my chin. Squeezing my fists, I kept my arms to my sides, trying to say still as he tilted my head up, forcing me to look into his eyes. “All the girls I’ve ever known from Amity have always be quite accommodating.” The emphasis he used on the last word set off a light in my head and suddenly I understood what he was asking.

“Yes, sir, everyone is very nice in Amity,” I swallowed hard, wishing I was anywhere else in the city but here. He squinted his eyes as he studied my face.

“Have you ever been kissed,” He inquired with a slightly amused tone. A brief memory of Layla flashed through my mind. Just the quick mental image of her leaning in as I turned away, embarrassed.

“N-no, sir,” I stuttered, feeling the warmth creepy across the sink of my ears and cheeks. He clicked his tongue as he smirked, leaning in. I acted on impulse and dropped down, pushing him away as I dove under his arm and bolted out the door. I was about halfway back to the dorms when I realized I had left my bag and the key to my room behind. Thankfully when I returned to the office he was no longer there.

I sighed as I leaned back from the table. Looking to the big clock on the wall, I saw it was time for me to leave. I left my food almost completely untouched as I stood. I didn’t want to go but I knew Eric well enough to realize I had no choice.

The walk to the Erudite square was long and arduous. I kept my head down, staring at my boots as I stayed in pace just behind him.

“I was considering sending you as proxy to Amity today. Too bad you were late” He spoke suddenly, keeping his face forward and hands in his pockets as I looked to his shoulder, “I think you’d actually be good as a proxy. But I prefer having you around as an assistant,” I could see the piercing on his brow move as he looked to me out of the corner of his eye.

I merely nodded in response, looking back towards my boots as we walked among the other Dauntless heading to the event. There was an excited energy in the air. Executions had become a celebration, with most people staying up all night after drinking and partying afterwords. Apart from the Deciding ceremony this was the only time all the factions gathered together.

I kept my arms crossed, clutching at my elbow to keep from shaking. My feet felt like bricks with each step I took. The gathered crowd was massive by the time we arrived. Eric skirted around the edge of the mass of people, walking to a small section in the front that was designated for leaders and officials. First he walked up to Jenean who stood near the stage. She wore a long dark blue cape with her hair in a tight bun. I assumed he was shaking her hand both in greeting and as a sign of respect before falling back towards the crowd. I moved to stand just behind him as I would any other time but he caught me as I went to pass. He pulled me to stand directly in front of him, keeping me in place with both of his hands resting on my shoulders.

I studied the ground, refusing to even look at the empty gallows. The crowd behind us milled about in anticipation before the bells from the clock tower began. Everyone grew silent as they rang out seven times. During the quiet Jenean climbed the stairs behind four Dauntless soldiers as they lead the convicts onto the stage.

I tried to keep my eyes down. The silence around of the crowd felt oppressive as I thought of their joy in viewing this spectacle.

“You have been tried in found guilty for theft along with being Divergent or Divergent sympathizers, for which you will be hanged to death,” Jenean spoke, projecting her voice through the air.

One of Eric’s hands lifted from my shoulder and reached forward, grabbing at my jaw as he wrenched my face forward. He continued to hold my head in place, forcefully resting his arm across my shoulder as the back of my skull rested on his chest.

“Any last words?” Jenean asked. Her blue cape looked brilliant against the neon orange pillar. Across the stage I could see the four prosecuted. There was a woman and two men, all wearing similar disheveled clothes, each with their hands tied behind their backs. The three of them looked to Jenean as she spoke, but at the very end stood Layla. She looked forwards, eyes trained somewhere above the crowd. She wore the same firm expression of defiance as she did when we were scolded as children. She looked beautiful, the baby fat from her teen years long gone, leaving her cheekbones now well pronounced. She stood with a more confident air about her, keeping her shoulders back and her head up straight. I tried to keep my composure, sure that Eric could feel me shaking as he held me.

I could taste the coppery blood in my mouth as I bit my cheeks. I stood there watching her under the gray clouds of the sky. I don’t know if I’d have noticed had I not been in the front of the crowd, but as a gust of wind blew half of her jacket was thrown open. I could see underneath her jacket she wore an old raggedy yellow sweater. I knew instantly that it was the one I had made for her 16th birthday.

I let out a sob as my legs gave way. I slumped forward against Eric’s grip as I shamelessly cried every tear I had been holding in.

“Just one more minute,” Eric whispered in my ear as he held me closer, up right against his chest, his hand still keeping my chin forward. Through my tears I looked to Layla as she turned her head. Her stern blank expression dropped for a second as her eyes landed on me before a black bag was roughly pulled over her head.

“Very well,” said Jenean as she turned and descended the stairs while the soldiers tightened the noose around their necks. A Candor man dressed in black and white hood, wrapped his hands around a lever. It groaned as he pulled it back before the mechanisms below release the panels under the convicted.

The cheers of the crowd were deafening as I watched their legs kick violently through the air.

It wasn’t long before all four hung motionless.

I made no effort to stand as Eric held me close to him. The cheering crowd drowned out the noise of my weeping as I hung there weak and defeated in his arms. I felt completely empty knowing I’d never her see her under the willow tree again. She was gone forever. The image of her standing there was burned into my eyelids. It was all I could see as I gasped for air.

He wrenched my shoulders around, turning me to face him. I merely slumped forward, whimpering against his chest as he wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. Reaching down, he ran his finger gently along my jaw bone, again pushing my face up to see him. The moment felt all too familiar as he leaned forward. This time I was to weak to run away as his lips touched mine. He took my bottom lip between his, sucking on it before he lifted his head back up. His hand cupped my cheek while his other arm was wrapped around me.

“Don’t worry,” spoke in a quiet voice as I shook, wiping away a tear with his thumb, “You still have me.”


	2. Chapter 2

> and there’s nothing here to fall back on  
> nothing to relate to  
> nothing to replace you 

After the execution Eric dragged me to the party in The Pit. I stood at the temporarily erected bar, watching the flashing lights as people danced, drinking myself to blindness. I know I made it home somehow afterwards because I woke up in my bed.

Looking around the small square room I have inhabited for years now, I had same thought as I did every morning, ‘Is this a dorm or a cell?’ The perfect cube of stone walls that surrounded me felt suffocating.

It felt like there were spikes inside my skull as I moved to get out of bed. I shuffled down the hall to the communal bathroom for this wing of the floor. The white of the fluorescent lights was blinding as they shone against the metal utilities of the room. I could hear the voices inside as I pushed the door open.

“He brought her back last night, Jamie says so, she saw him,” someone said as the other gasped.

“Seriously? Eric was here in our dorms last night? And I didn’t know? I mean, he never comes to this part of the compound,” The second voice complained in an exasperated tone.

I couldn’t help but noticed how quickly they stopped talking as I crossed the threshold into view. It was two girls I knew vaguely, having seen them around but never spoken with either. The blonde had been talking but now stood facing her friend with short black hair by the large metal basin of the sink. They both blatantly stared at me as I entered the room. I was used to being mostly invisible, no one of much importance. I was able to move about in peace, not attracting attention.

Now I could feel their eyes on me as I walked to the nearest stall. I tried to pretend I didn’t notice the two girls but I couldn’t pee as I sat there listening to them speaking in hushed tones across the room. I eventually flushed and went to wash my hands. I tried to keep my head straight and not vomit as I focused on the faucet while they continued to speak under their breath.

“So,” the blonde one finally said as I watched her turn around from the corner of my eye, “Is it true?” She inquired, giving me an incredulous look as I lifted my head to meet her eyes.

“What?” I asked, confused as I held my hands still under the running water. I could see her friend with short hair and dark eyes behind her trying to stifle her laughter.

“Are you and Eric sleeping together,” She spoke like I was thick in the head.

“No, no it’s not like that,” I insisted as I shook my head.

“Oh come on, everyone saw you two getting hot and heavy at the execution,” her friend interjected, leaning over the other girl’s shoulder. I had no clue how to respond, and I froze. It felt like hours that I stood there still, my eye flickering between the two girls. Eventually when I was able to pry myself from the frozen state of terror, I turned around around and hurried back to my dorm.

Once I was under my standard issue black wool blankets, I stayed there. At first I cried, but soon I began to feel nothing, as if I was empty. I watched the minutes tick by on the clock as I stayed under the covers staring at the natural stone walk for long stretches of time. Then I’d roll over and look at the other wall for a while. As I studied the planes and crevices of the rock I didn’t think of Layla. I didn’t think of anything. I’d just lay there motionless watching the angles of the stone face in front of me.

I don’t know how long I laid there before someone eventually started banging at my door. I made no effort to move from where I laid. Eventually I could hear the lock click and my mind raced to think of who would have the key to my room.

“Where have you been?” Eric asked as he slammed the door shut behind him. I didn’t move as I continued to stare at the wall.

“Here,” I mumbled as he stepped closer to my bed. Reaching down he yanked back my bed covers. I shivered as my body was exposed to the cold air, but I continued to lay on the thin mattress curled up in my night clothes. Eric grabbed my wrist and pulled my body up to face him. I felt like a rag doll as he held me in his hands. I vaguely wondered if I should just give up to him. I had nothing left to hope for or fall back to.

“You will be on time tomorrow,” he breathed into my face. Normally I would’ve been intimidated but I felt so hollow at the moment I didn’t care what he did.

“Yes, sir,” I replied and he accepted my answer inspite of my lackluster tone. I would try to follow his orders, I told myself as I curled back on my side, bringing my legs to my chest as I pulled up the blanket and he left. I did not want to think what he would do if I was absent again.

The next morning as I stood in his office I looked down the line of underlings and notice that someone was missing.

“Since Jason is in the infirmary-,” Eric began before I interjected.

“What happened?” I asked, looking to him as he sat behind his desk.

“Well, Mott, if you had been present,” he began, obviously exercising his self control, “You’d know that he lost his hand in an altercation with the factionless,” Eric explained in a condescending tone, “And that you will be temporarily replacing him.”

I stayed my mouth, biting my tongue from responding as he burned me with his stare.

“As I as saying, Alexander and Mott will be traveling to Amity to finalize the new guard arrangements,” Eric continued, ignoring me.

The truck ride to Amity took about thirty minutes. There was complete silence in the cab as we rode. I didn’t know what Alexander thought, if he had heard the rumors and judged me harshly for it or if he believed I was a good person in spite of what people said. Still, I could not bring myself to ask, and resigned to watching the scenery pass through the window as he drove out to the farms.

The meeting with Johanna went without a hitch. She was so eager for extra protection that she agreed to each of Eric’s stipulations. She just didn’t want anyone from Amity to be hurt again. Without complaint or complication, Johanna sighed off the new guard schedules.

“Would you mind,” Johanna asked looking to Alexander as we all stood to say farewell, “I would like to speak with Mott alone.”

Alexander merely shrugged, mumbling, 'Ok, I’ll meet you in the dining hall,“ and without a second though he left.

Once he was out of view, Johanna circled around her desk to me, holding out her arms, "I’m sorry about Layla,” she cooed, wrapping me in her embrace as I buried my head into her chest. I was brought back to the moments when Johanna comforted us as children after the fire.

In Dauntless everyone kept tabs on everyone else though gossip. Meanwhile in Amity people would speak with each other. While both communities are tight knit, it’s in entirely different ways. Despite tragedies Amity is able to hold itself together in a way none of the other factions ever could.

I couldn’t help but remember the way she held us after the half of the compound had burnt down during the summer of that awful drought. I’m sure she held every other child like this afterwards, but it still felt like she cared for everyone of us deeply and individually.

“Don’t let your grief consume you,” Johanna hummed into my ear as she ran her hand across my hair.

“But I never said goodbye,” I choked out. I felt like the floodgates were open, now I was back in Amity I could feel everything I had been forced to hold back.

“Yes she is gone, but she made her choices,” She spoke in a soft tone, “All you can do now is move forward.”

I gasped for breath as I tried to think, “What do I do?” I asked in a desperate tone.

Johanna moved her hands from where they rubbed my back to my cheeks as she held my face. The scars around her left eye crinkled as she gave me a forlorn smile, “Try to make the world a better place,” she stated, as she cupped my chin, holding my eyes with hers, “You have a unique position of power that you can you use.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I replied bewildered.

“This is not something I can explain to you, but I know you will figure it out,” Johanna spoke in a soft tone as she rubbed my cheek. I gave a weak smile before leaning in for one last hug.

“Thank you for everything you’ve ever done,” I whispered, “We both appreciate it, I know.” I released Johanna and began to walk away. Though I knew I will most likely see her many times again, I felt I would never be able to see her as the bright eyed young Amity girl I used to be. Now that Layla was gone I could never be that girl again.

“What’d you talk to Johanna about?” Alexander questioned as he chomped on his apple, walking alongside me down the road to the truck. I was unsure of how much I wanted to tell him.

“Someone I grew up here,” I began with a sigh, gesturing vaguely towards the fields, “They died last week and she wanted to say sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” He scoffed. I should’ve know the idea of consolation would be lost on someone born in Dauntless. “So what happened? Tractor accident in the corn fields?” He probed, continuing to chew on his apple.

“No,” I huffed back at him.

“Killed by factionless?” He asked stepping into my path, cutting me off. I halted abruptly to keep from running into him.

“No.” I repeated more sternly, trying to get past him.

“So how?” He continued, moving so he stay in my way.

“If you must know, they were hanged on friday.” I finally shot at him with venom. I watched as the corners of his mouth turned up.

“Really? Which one? Was it the old dude with the beard? No wait, was it the hot chick?” He spoke quickly, his eyes glowing with excitement. Why was everyone from Dauntless so morbid? I finally got exasperated enough to just shove him out of my way.

“Come on, lighten up,” he teased, catching up to my stride.

“Listen,” I stated turning on my heel to face him sticking my finger into his chest. I wanted to give him a biting earful of how I felt, something I knew he’d never understand. I caught myself before I said more than I should, and tried to cover up, “Just don’t tell Eric about this, ok?” I moved my hand to scratch the back of my neck.

“Yeah? Why Not?” he countered.

“You know how Eric is about faction loyalty, he wouldn’t like to know I spoke with Johanna,” I explained in an exasperated tone.

“That’s true,” Alexander agreed quite easily, which made me worry, “So what do I get for not spilling the beans?” He asked, smirking at me. I should’ve expected something like this.

I ran my hands over my face trying to think of something as Alexander threw the apple core over his shoulder. As my eyes followed the discarded fruit I realized that we stood on my old road. In fact, we stood right in front of my neighbor’s house. My mind began to race as I quickly formed an idea.

“You ever have apple pie?” I inquired looking to Alexander.

“What’s that?” He replied, looking curious.

“It’s an Amity dessert, I think you’ll like it.

* * *

Alexander loved apple pie. He was a bit unsure but after his first bite he inhaled the entire slice.

"Thank you, Auntie Ella,” I said for probably fifth time, giving her a hug.

“Oh no worries, dear, you and your friend are welcome to all the pie you want,” She remarked with a smile, before noticing the empty plate, “Here let me get you another slice.”

I walked over to where Alexander sat at the kitchen table, leaning over him with one hand on the back of his chair, “So,” I began in a hushed tone so only he could hear me while Ella had her back turned, “You won’t tell Eric anything, right?”

“Yeah, deal,” he replied absently waiting for another slice.

“No, you misunderstand,” I said, his head turning back to me, “You tell Eric anything, and I’ll tell him you ate Amity food, and trust me, he’ll be much more upset about that,” I threatened, locking eyes with him.

The cold glare between us was only broken by the noise of Ella replacing the empty dish with a new one. Alexander looked down at the piece of fresh pie that was made just earlier today as I righted myself next to him.

“Dig in,” I chided with a slap to his back, “You’ve already had some, why not indulge?”

Alexander merely glared at me over his shoulders as I walked to the door, “I’m going for a walk, I’ll be back shortly.”

“Ok dear, have fun,” Ella said with a friendly wave, I could hear the scrape of silverware on china as the screen door sung shut behind me.

It was comforting to hear the crunch of gravel underfoot as I walked. Everything seemed familiar but different. It was the same road, but now I walked down it in combat boots, not worn sandals. I was able to hop over the wooden fence that skirted the field easily, laughing to myself at the way we used to crawl under the bottom rung through the mud.

I threw my jacket over my shoulder as I walked past the cows eating grass. I could see the tree just on the horizon. I stopped for a second. The image of the branches swaying in the wind felt unreal. It had been years since I’d seen the willow in person, and I wonder for a second if I really wanted to. I swallowed hard and continued my trek through the pasture.

I moved hesitantly, pushing the curtain of leaves out of the way as I passed. I stood in the shade with my arms wrapped around me, gnawing on my lip. I didn’t know if I was welcomed here anymore.

I regretted not sneaking out that night to meet with Layla on our last day in Amity. How different would things be if I had? Would I have been next to her in the gallows last week or would she still be alive with me?

Before last friday Layla’s fate had been an enigma to me. I didn’t know if she was dead or alive, but I could still hope that I would see her again someday. Now all I could see in my mind was the way she looked at me before they pulled the bag over her head. Now I knew she was gone and there was no way for her to come back. Now the only thing I had left of her was memories and the willow.

I leaned forward resting my forehead on the rough bark of the tree, imagining she was here with me again. “I have nothing to relate to,” I whisper to the willow, “I have nothing to replace you,” I whispered to Layla.

Reaching to the back of my belt, I unclipped my standard issue utility knife. I grabbed onto a branch above me, easily pulling myself up. Straddling it with my legs, I scooted closer to the trunk as I flicked out the knife blade. I could just barely make out the original markings, from when we were just barely ten years old. Carefully I dug the blade into the scarred bark. I wanted to leave something behind for her to see, so I re-carved the the small message: LB+MN.

When I arrived back at Ella’s cottage I found her seated across from Alexander, discussing deeper ideas about the world and existence.

“Have you ever thought about how like, only I can feel the things I’ve experiences, no one else can,” Alexander spoke excitedly as I pulled out the chair next to them. I noticed his dilated pupils as he turned to look at me.

“Mott!” He almost shouted as he looked at me, “Do you know Ella? She makes amazing pie, you should have some!”

“Yes of course, let me get you some,” Ella quickly added, standing from the table before I could refuse.

“How much pie did you have?” I asked, eyeing Alexander.

“Not much. Only five, six slices,” he shrugged. I couldn’t help but laugh, the most I’d ever had was about 3 pieces and after that I was so dizzy I had to lay down for the night. He was in for an eventful evening.

“Here you go darling,” Ella slid the fresh plate of pie in front of me. I hesitated for a second but I figured it wouldn’t hurt just to have a little bit.

The Dauntless compound didn’t seem so cold and isolating when we finally got back. I shooed Alexander off to rest in his dorm, saying I’d turn the paperwork into Eric. I hummed to myself as I rode the elevator, thinking about what was for dinner. I hoped it was tacos, those were my favorite.

I knocked on the door lightly, waiting for Eric to bark out that I could enter, “Here’s the papers from Amity today,” I said crossing the room to his desk, “Johanna agreed to everything without complaint,” I summarized with a smile.

“Very good,” He stated taking the pages before looking up at me, “You’re in a good mood,” he mentioned, studying me with a quizzical glare as he leaned back in his seat.

“Oh yeah, well, it was nice to be out in the sun for a change,” I mentioned with a wave of my hand, smiling at the memory of the warm day.

“Come here,” he ordered, turning his chair to the side. I walked around his desk, running my finger along the edge as I moved to face him. I stood patiently waiting for what he had to say next, but he said nothing. Instead he quickly grabbed my wrist, tugging me forward onto his lap.

“Hello,” I awkwardly giggled as I nervously bit my lip. I have to admit, I didn’t mind being so close with his hand gently resting on my hip. Not because it was Eric, but I was so starved for physical affection. In Dauntless you kept to yourself. No one cuddled or held hands with their friends and hugging was almost unheard of. You were expected to keep your distance from each other. I couldn’t help but lean my head into his touch as his fingers danced across my cheek, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear. I rested my hand on his shoulder, steadying myself as I closed my eyes, enjoying his warm touches.

“How are you feeling?” Eric asked with a cocky smirk as he trailed his fingers across my neck, moving from my ear to my collar bone.

“Pretty good,” I remarked with a smile, “Especially considering I’m with you,” I tried to fight my

growing grin as I watched him glared at me. I couldn’t keep it down, and soon I was laughing at my own joke, even though it wasn’t that funny. In my fit of hysteria I lost my balance, sliding off his lap and onto the hard concrete floor. This only made me laugh harder.

Eric leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, watching me as I cupped my hands over my mouth, trying to calm down. After a few deep breaths I was finally able to look back at him, placing one hand on his lrg, simply trying to steady myself.

He moved his hand on top of mine, pulling my palm further up his thigh. I blushed as he took my other hand, doing the same, forcing me to shift my balance onto my knees. He moved his legs apart as he left my hands to rest on his upper thighs, shifting in his seat to access his belt buckle. I no longer felt like laughing as I blushed, watching his fingers.

I found myself enthralled with what he was doing, more curious than aghast as he undid his fly and slipped his hand below his waist band. While in Amity I had seen many boys naked, it was not uncommon to strip down and swim in the river at the end of a hot day in the field, but I had never been in such an intimate position.

He slid one hand up his his exposed shaft as I watched, not caring as he took my hand, bring it forward. He guided my fingers along himself, and I felt fascinated that it was just like stroking any other bit of skin. Not that I expected it to feel scaly or anything, I was just so abashed at how normal it was. I shifted, kneeling forward for a closer look. It was so pink, and there was a bubble of white fluid at the top. I brought my hand up, touching the tip gently with my thumb, as I wondered why his dick was leaking.

“Taste it,” he growled as I looked up toward him. I wasn’t sure if it was because I wanted to or I was so used to following his orders, but I leaned forward opening my mouth. Cautiously I took the head of his dick between my lips and watched as he groaned. I moved it further into my mouth, running my tongue along the bottom.

“Suck on it,” Eric groaned, clenching his jaw. Following his orders I hollowed my cheeks, pulling upwards. I felt an excitement rush through me I watched him. The more I pulled, gripping him tighter, the further he rolled his head back. I pulled his dick from my mouth with a pop, taking a moment to run my tongue along the bottom of his shaft, watching for his reaction. I could see his jaw tense as he moved his hand to the back of my head. With his guidance I took the tip back into my mouth. This time I was much more unabashed with my experiments as I rolled my tongue around his head.

The more he moaned the more excited I became. I gripped him tighter with my hand, trying to bring him further into my mouth than I had before. Suddenly I hit my limit and quickly pulled away, turning my head to gag and cough as he chuckled.

“Getting too excited Amity?” He berated with his harsh laughter.

“I’m Dauntless now,” I stated as I turned back, returning to my former ministrations. I pulled, watching as his breath hitched, grinning to myself. I squeezed my thighs involuntarily, excited by the subtle power I had over him. He grinned as he ran his fingers through my hair, holding it back out of my face. I continued to bob my head, guided by his hand.

He let out a low grunt from the back of his throat, forcefully halting my motions. His gripped tightened around my hair as he held my head in place, the tip of his dick touching the back of my mouth. With another guttural moan and slight jerk of his hips I felt something warm and slimy hit my throat. I tried to pull away, but he forced me to remain still and swallow.

Once his fingers relaxed, slipping away from my hair, I quickly moved away. I scowled at him as I rubbed my lips with the back of my hand. He pulled out a tissue from his desk drawer, wiping off before tucking himself away. Leaning forward he used the same tissue to clean the corner of my mouth.

“That’s all for today, you’re dismissed,” He stated with a cold smirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the start are from the song Pivotal by Cursive https://youtu.be/EDbhfkIP45Y


	3. Chapter 3

> scars will heal  
> soon  
> you shrug it off  
> except you don’t

The next morning as I walked into Eric’s office I kept my eyes closely trained on the toes of my boots. I didn’t lift my head until he read my assignment.

“Mott go rest, you’ve got night shift on the fence tonight starting at twenty-one-hundred hours,” he barked, shuffling his papers, “You will be shadowing Rachel Dios. You will be at the fence by nine o'clock to report to her and I will know if you are not there on time.” I nodded curtly in response, showing I understood before he dismissed each of use. When I returned to my dorm I tried to rest but found myself too excited about going out to the edge of the city. I hadn’t been to the fence since initiation but I’d loved standing there taking in the scenery.

Riding the train I watched the sunset over the horizon. I was more excited for this assignment than even going to Amity. Maybe when I officially take a leader position I’ll ask to be on the fence. Though I had no idea what to expect from tonight, I knew it was going to go well because I wouldn’t be stuck underground in the city. If I worked full time on the fence I wouldn’t have to see Eric at all. Though I knew in reality I’d have to see him first thing the next day in the morning, I was excited for one night away. I tried to keep my spirits from being weighed down by the constant reminder that I couldn’t easily get away from him.

Shaking my head I looked out, seeing the curve in the tracks where the train turned around to head back to the city coming up. I braced myself, holding the bar next to the exit, I threw my body forward, diving out the open door into the grass. I stumbled slightly, before recognizing the continuing momentum, I tucked my head forward, allowing my body to tumble into the tall weeds, knowing from training to not fight the impact. I landed flat on my back, looking up at the first handful of stars that had started to appear in the darkening sky, smiling to myself.

“You alright?” a voice chuckled from above me as an open hand moved into my vision.

“Yeah, just jumped too hard,” I joked as I reached up, letting them pull me to my feet. I found myself standing in front of a woman with long wavy brown hair wearing a common Dauntless uniform with two piercings in the center of either cheek. While there was nothing specific I can say made me feel so weird, I found myself awestruck that she was paying attention to me. She smiled at me as she began to shake my hand. I watched the way the piercings pulled at her dimples as she smiled.

“I’m Rachel,” she stated with a kind look that I couldn’t help but return as I wrapped my fingers around her hand.

“I’m Mott,” I bit my lip as I studied her dark eyes, reveling in the warmth of her palm against mine.

Rachel proceeded to lead me to the main guard tower she manned before showing me the way around. I nodded making notes of the different points of her job as we did the rounds of the soldiers under her watch. It was obvious that I was not her first shadow by how she expectantly explained each detail, occasionally giving me small tips with a wink. I blushed under her attention, captivated by her every word even if she was just telling me about which of the metal stairs was the creakiest. I didn’t care what she said as long as he said it to me.

After we finished the first cycle of checking on the guards we returned to the monitoring station. I followed Rachel through the doors and she pulled up a chair for me next to hers. I immediately slumped onto the seat, resting my gun on the floor. I looked blankly off to the distance through the window as she began making notes in the log. After little rest all day, and the general anxiety of my life, I now felt constantly tired.

The counter before me was covered in small monitors, each showing a live feed from the close circuit cameras along the fence. You could see the various guards as they kept patrol, some paced back and forth while others smoked a cig. The room was most empty expect for a small counter in the back corner where Rachel had set up a pot of coffee to brew. After a few minutes of silence, Rachel finally laid down her pen and looked at me.

“So are you not the talkative type? ‘Cus if so, it’s going to be a long night,” she asked looking at me with her eyebrows raised. She spoke in a teasing, daring tone that was common in Dauntless.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled looking to my lap, “I haven’t been really… been in the mood to chat recently,” I sighed, not sure how to explain how I’ve was feeling.

“Oh,” as she spoke any light hardheartedness was gone from her voice, “Is it because of Eric?” she guessed.

“How’d you know?” I finally mumbled looking up at her. I noticed now that she sat with her hands on her lap facing me. She wasn’t just chatting while doing her work, she was actually listening.

“I’ve heard the rumors,” she shrugged looking slightly guilty, “About you and him kissing last week.”

I bit my lip as I shook my head, I couldn’t look at her as I choked out the truth, “No, he kissed me.” Rachel was quiet for a moment before she reached to rest her hand on my shoulder.

“I believe you,” she said in a quiet voice as I looked at her. She slid her arm across my back pulling me into a tight hug, “Eric is awful, I know for a fact.”

“Did- did he do this to you?” I asked looking up at her, expecting an expression of pain and understanding but instead she looked like she was going to burst.

“Are you kidding?” she laughed throwing her head back, “If he touched me I’d break his hand!” Rachel took a moment to collect herself, resting her palm flat on her chest as she tried to even her breathing, “No, no, no, he and I grew up together in Erudite. I’ve known him since we were babies is all.”

“Eric’s a transfer?” I questioned gazing at her over my shoulder, “I always assumed he was born Dauntless.”

“Pfft, please,” Rachel scoffed, casually shifting her arm from my shoulders to the back of my chair, “He was a dweeb and a kiss-ass when we were little,” I watched as she thought back, her eyes drifting while she reminisced.

“He’s always done whatever he can to get forward, to be the best. The thing that’s changed is exactly what he’s done to accomplish that,” she looked to me pursing her lips, “In Erudite it’s about your brain. About how you think, how you plan,” she stated as she tapped her temple, “In Dauntless strength is not what you alone can do, but what you are able to accomplish with your team,” She smiled as she reached forward, squeezing my bicep, “Eric’s biggest fault is his short sightedness and ego. He only thinks of how to better himself and how strong he is, not about the strength he could gain from working with others. Instead of working alongside someone, he tries to bend them to his will.”

A strange feeling washed over me as I listened to her. It felt like I had been standing in front of a window, staring out forever confused and terrified by the scene before me, as if the sky itself was aflame. Now that someone had explained to me that it was the sunset, the red hues weren’t as ominous or foreboding. Rachael understood Eric in a completely different sense than I ever could. She thought of him as a peer, a kid she grew up with, not as her infallible boss. The corner of my mouth twitched upwards at the thought of Eric wearing thick rimmed glasses like all the other kids at Erudite.

“In school he was such a smartass,” Rachel began, absently twirling the ends of my hair as I shifted to face her, “He wasn’t popular but he dated this chick who everyone wanted to be. I was friendly with her but she never really liked me,” Rachel paused, laughing as she rested her hand on her forehead, “It’s so silly to think how much everyone cared about that bullshit, we were just kids, you know? The most important thing back then was dating, though I didn’t really join in when everyone started pairing up, but Eric and Julie were the 'it couple’ of the class. When they finally broke up, oh man was that a scene.

"First thing Monday morning, everyone’s in the hallway at their lockers when Julie starts yelling. She was just screaming at him not to touch her, that they were through. Obviously something had happened over the weekend between them. When he tried to lean in and kiss her, Eric’s best friend John comes out of nowhere and socks him right in the jaw. We were all a bunch of dweeby bookworms so none of us knew how to fight but man, did they go at it. Eric eventually pinned him down and beat his face to a bloody pulp. Turns out that Julie had dumped Eric because she was getting with John on the side. He was suspended for like two weeks and John had to get a bunch of stitches,” she finished with a shrug, “But that’s Eric for you.”

“There were fights in Amity,” I mentioned after a moment, wanting to continue the conversation while smiling at the memory I’d almost forgotten about.

“Really? The hippies throwing down? I don’t believe you,” Rachel teased as she nudged my shoulder.

“Not a lot, and it was always a big deal when it happened, especially if it was on the compound,” I explained as l looked up from my lap to her, “They don’t regularly give the peace serum to kids, that’s only for full members, so most fights are between teenagers, you know, 'cus of hormones,” I reached up scratching at the back of my head as I spoke, “There was this jerk everyone called Woody, I don’t even remember his real name, but he’d make fun of my red hair all the time. I never stood up for myself back then but Layla, my-,” I paused, hesitating of how to explain the relationship, “My best friend, she would always tell me to not take his shit, to fight back but I never could.” I leaned into my seat, hoping she couldn’t see the tears in my eyes.

“So one day we all had stable duty. I was lugging around the sacks of feed when he comes up behind me and just yanks on my ponytail. It totally threw me off balance and I fell onto the hardwood, with the bag landing on top, knocking the wind out of me. I was laying there trying to recover as I looked up. Layla had been at the other end of the barn shoveling manure but she had seen me fall and ran full speed towards us, swinging the shovel she had at him. It just flew out of her hands, the metal colliding directly with his face,” I held my hand up gesturing how it had crashed against him while Rachel looked completely flabbergasted at my story, “She helped me stand up and we ran, hiding out in the field until sun down. She still got in trouble the next day, but he lost a tooth and got this awful infection that almost made him go blind in one eye from getting horse shit in it,” I smiled to myself, “And he didn’t bother me anymore.”

“She sounds like a good friend,” Rachel said, giving me a soft look. I couldn’t help but smile back, thinking of her.

“She was. I really miss her,” I turned my head away fearing I was about to cry again.

“So come on,” Rachel started as she stood up, moving to the counter in the corner of the small room. She pulled down two foam cup and filled each with coffee from the kettle, “You got to have more crazy stories from the farms,” I took the cup as she offered it to me, holding it with both hands, enjoying the warmth.

“Have you ever heard of tractor stealing?” I inquired as I took a sip, “See the thing is they’re so big and loud if you tried to just drive off with one, someone’s going to notice, right? So it’s this tradition for initiates to try and steal a tractor without getting caught.”

We continued to trade stories throughout the night. It was so easy talking to her, even if I told her about something I thought was dumb, she was still interested. Once the sun came up, I dreaded going back to the to Dauntless.

“You doing anything?” Rachel asked after we hopped off the train.

“I don’t think so?” I yawned as we entered the compound, unsure what she meant.

“I usually go get a drink after a shift, care to join me?” I couldn’t help but blush under her attention.

“Oh no, I shouldn’t. I have to check-in in a few hours, I should go wash up,” I said looking away. The place was just beginning to stir, people still half away stumbling to the canteen for coffee and breakfast, “But maybe another time?”

“Yeah sure,” she agreed with a smile, giving my shoulder a squeeze before moving toward the hall that lead to the apartments. I turned, trying to hide my grin as I navigated my way through the half awake crowd. I ducked through the dining hall, grabbing a muffin from the counter before returning to my dormitory.

I was just about to exit the large space when a heavy hand landed on my shoulder. Slowly I turned to face Eric, refusing to look up at him.

“How was your first night on the fence?” He asked, his grip still tight on my shoulder.

“It was great, I really enjoyed it,” I replied shortly.

“That’s good you’re going to be out there again tonight,” he explained, “Don’t worry about check-in, just go rest.”

“Thank you sir,” I said moving to leave as he quickly slid his hand up the back of my neck. Grabbing my hair, he wrenched my head around so I was forced to look in his eyes. He leaned forward, pressing his lips against mine. I went rigid as my open hand flew to his chest trying to push him away. I could feel him smiling against my mouth, excited by my struggle, before pulling away with a pop.

“Sweet dreams,” he murmured into my ear after he finally broke apart. My skin crawled as I felt every eye in the room on me like a pin prick. Eric stood up straight, licking his bottom lip before letting go of my hair. Once I was free from his grasp I ran and I didn’t stop until I got to my room.

The next night I felt considerably more anxious while riding the train. I don’t know exactly what I was worried but once my feet landed on the dirt path, and I could see the way Rachel smiled at me everything melted away. She linked her arms with mine, leading me towards the fence. It may be wishful thinking but I felt like Rachel moved more quickly through the rounds. It could be that yesterday she went slow so I could keep up but today it felt like she wanted to just get back to the watch tower and talk with me.

Being with her was like a vacation from the stress of life. We would laugh at the dumbest jokes as we talked about our pasts. Sometimes we’d touch on sensitive subject but I still felt unsure how to explain that I was in love with Layla. Not because she was a girl but because she was divergent. We had talked about everything but politics and I still wasn’t sure about her standing on the executions. I think it would kill me if Rachel told me that Layla should’ve died, so I avoided the subject all together.

In the morning I again found myself standing next to Rachel in the pit.

“Want to have a drink?” she asked again with a smirk.

“Yes,” I readily agreed, eagerly following her back to her apartment. I wasn’t as familiar with the west wing of the compound, having always resided in the eastern dormitory. I tried to contain my excitement as we moved through the hallways, my fingers laced with hers as she lead the way.

She lived in a small studio apartment, made up of a connected kitchen and living room with a bedroom and bath. I loved it though. The space was filled with lamps, glowing by the fairy lights that lined the wall. It felt warm and comfortable as she directed me to the sofa.

“What’s your poison?” she asked as she moved to the freezer.

“I don’t know,” I said as I studied the small space around me.

“Hey,” she called looking at me from the counter, “See that basket next to you?” she pointed, “Pick an album, any of them, whichever speaks to you,” she turned, going back to preparing the drinks as I flipped through the records. I came across one that bore a picture of four men looking through a window. I pulled out the circle of vinyl and carefully placed it on the record player, placing the needle into the outermost groove after it began to spin.

“Oh I love this song,” Rachel called as she stepped forward with two glasses. I took the one she held out to me, quickly sipping at the bitter liquid while she sat on the cushion next to me. She closed her eyes for a moment, weaving her head in tune with the music as took a big gulp from my glass.

“Careful,” she said in a jovial tone as she sipped at hers, letting her arm lay across the back of the couch behind me.

I leaned into the cushion looking at her, already feeling the warmth of the alcohol flooding through my system, “I’m so happy I met you,” I stated bluntly, “I thought that there was was no one in Dauntless like me, but then I met you.” I couldn’t help but grin as I took another big drink from my glass.

“I’m glad I met you, too,” she agreed with a smile as we enjoyed the sitar in the song. I felt entranced as I looked at her happy expression with her arm resting around my shoulder. I couldn’t help but lean forward, pulled towards her.

'I once had a girl’ the song sang as I moved nearer, hesitantly resing my hand on her jaw, 'Or should I say she once had me,’ I could feel something awaken within me as our lips made contact. It was nothing like Eric’s kisses which left me feeling dirty and wasteful. This made me feel like I had flowers blooming in my stomach as I melted into her touch. I shifted my arm, resting my hand on her shoulder as she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Her fingertips dance along my through before finding their way into my hair, gently scratching at my scalp.

'Drinking her wine,’ Rachel pulled her arm around my waist bringing my form closer to her. I moaned enjoying the feeling of being against her. 'We talked until two and then she said, 'It’s time for bed’,“ Rachel moved, pulling at my thigh so my legs straddled hers. I found myself sitting above her with no interest besides continuing to press my lips against hers.

I moaned as she moved her arms up my sides but once she neared my breast an alarm in my mind went off. I pulled aways instantly, not sure what had exactly made me panic.

"Hey,” she cooed, dropping her hands, “Hey, it’s ok,” she smiled warmly at me, calming my nerves before continuing, “Don’t worry, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” She shifted under me, leaning forward for an instant before pulling back. I recognized her attention and finished the action, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers.

“I’m just,” I began as I leaned my forehead against hers, “I’m just not sure I’m ready for that,” I finished, clenching my eyes shut to avoid the sight of her judgmental stare.

“That’s fine,” she hummed as he kissed at my jaw. I couldn’t help but smile, enjoying the feeling of her against my skin. I knew this was what I wanted but I still felt like there was something keeping me from taking it. Something that felt like the memory of Layla.

“I- I should go,” I stated as I pulled back, climbing off her lap. Though I knew this was something I wanted, but I couldn’t fight the stabbing voice in the back of my mind telling me to leave. I moved quickly, setting my glass on the table as I gathered my bag and headed out the door.

I grabbed at my head as I walked. I didn’t know what was wrong, I liked Rachel. I mean, I really liked Rachel, but being with her felt like such a betrayal I couldn’t go through with it. I sobbed as I walked home, wiping my tears and not looking forward to tomorrow.

“This is so dumb,” I grumbled to myself as I squirted the cleaning solution on the window pane.

“What was that?” Eric asked, quirking his eyebrow at me as he looked over his shoulder.

“Nothing sir,” I replied quickly as I wiped down the glass. There were janitors for this, Eric did not need me to be cleaning his office. All day I could feel his gaze on me as I knelt over the tiles scrubbing at the grout. I didn’t know what he was playing at, but I did not have enough sleep to be able to deal with this shit. I’d been up all night tossing and turning thinking about Rachel. And thinking about Layla.

“Is this really necessary?” I questioned with a huff, letting my arms drop as I faced him.

“Yes. The windows were dirty and they needed to be cleaned,” He returned quickly without looking up from his monitor.

“Isn’t there something more important I could be doing. Something more useful?” I pressed as I circled to the front of his desk, moving into his line of vision.

“I can think of plenty more useful things for you to do,” he stated as he swiftly moved so he stood in front of me. I looked away, sure that he wasn’t talking about paperwork as he stepped closer, trapping me against the desk with one arm.

“Why are you doing this? What do you want with me?” I finally asked, looking at his chin as I pushed on his chest.

“If you don’t know know what I want by now,” he began standing still against me, “Then you are far dumber than I ever thought,” he smirked as he moved his hand across my cheek, sliding his fingers under my ear so the tips lightly brushed against my hair, “I want to fuck you.”

My eyes snapped up to his as my hands dropped to grip the edge of the desk behind my, “But you don’t love me,” I stammered, searching his face.

“Ha!” he barked, throwing his head back as he laughed, “I’m sure out on the farm love is all important, but here in Dauntless sex without love is very common. In Dauntless, we don’t make love, we fuck,” I felt like a lamb under his wolfish grin, “But I’m sure an Amity like you wouldn’t know about that.”

“I’m not Amity anymore,” I blurted out without thought, “I’m Dauntless now.”

“So prove it,” he challenged leaning in closer, “You were eager to show me how Dauntless you were the other day,” as he spoke, a shudder went through me at the memory. I felt a turmoil in my gut as I thought about how he looked with his head rolled back as I knelt between his legs, knowing that it was because of me that he was like that.

Pulling at the back of my neck, he jerked my head forward. I opened my mouth in surprise at his actions as he took my bottom lip between his. I curled my fingers into the cotton of his shirt as he wrapped his other arm around my waist. I closed my teeth around his top lip, tugging at the soft flesh. He growled in response, moving his arm to lift me onto the desk. I felt like there was a war inside me, I knew I should leave, but it felt like I was moving autonomously as I shifted my hips against his. I squeaked, surprised by the feeling of him poking at me.

He had this stupid prideful look before he moved to my neck, his bites following my aorta. Clenching my eyes shut, I was still not sure if I should be enjoying this, but as the shaved side of his head scratched at my cheek, my lips brushed against his ear. I could feel his response more than hear it, the moan vibrating from his chest as he continued to nip along my collar bone. I ran my tongue along the edge of his ear, circling it around the spacer in his stretched earlobe, smiling to myself as he continued to moan. Hs hand moved to my bottom pulling me closer as I took the plug between my teeth and tugged lightly.

“Fuck,” he snarled as I wrapped my arms around his shoulder. I lowered my head as he stood up, kissing along the black ink the column of his throat. He pulled at my chin before forcing his tongue into my mouth as his other hand’s grip dug into my bottom. I bit down once the muscle was between my teeth. He merely chuckled at my response when someone barged through the door.

“Sir, Jenkins was just killed in an factionless ambush,” someone announced in a panicked voice from the doorway.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Eric yelled without turning to acknowledge the messenger, slamming his hands on the desk I sat sat on. He paused, taking a few deep breaths before he looked at me. He held my gaze for what felt like an eternity before he finally stood up straight. I could tell he was still fighting to keep his breathing level as he turned on his heel and stalked to the door, following the other man out of the room as he ripped his jacket from the coat hook.

I sat there alone in the dark office without moving, unsure how to feel about what had almost just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics at the beginning are from the song Alice Practice by Alice Glass https://youtu.be/e2FOnrFlEJY


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

> taste of honey  
>  taste of salt  
>  this kiss is not a poison  
>  this kiss is not a prison

Sleep was starting to feel like a long-lost friend, I remembered it fondly but hadn’t seen it in years. I lay unblinking in bed, my brain as restless as my body. I tossed and turned unable to get comfortable as my mind flipped between the memories of kissing Rachel and kissing Eric.

As I thought of Rachel I felt a warm glow humming inside my chest slowly bleeding outwards. Like the sensation of a hot drink after being out in the cold, feeling the heat as it travels to your stomach warming you from the inside out. If Rachel is a hot drink then Eric is a cold gust of wind. I could already feel the goosebumps forming as I rolled over with a huff. I rubbed at my skin, annoyed that just the thought of Eric’s hands on me garnered a physical response. Like the first autumn breeze at the end of summer he would sweep by, sending a chill up your spine and then before you’d notice it, he was gone leaving you alone to sort out your tousled hair. Neither of them were bad sensations, they were just so different.

I finally gave up and threw my legs over the side of the mattress. It was obvious I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight. I stretched and yawned as I pulled on some loose clothes and sneakers. Scratching my head I locked the door and headed to the gym.

Since it was about 3 a.m. most of the compound was asleep and the large open space was completely empty. My sneakers squeaked as I crossed the floor to the lockers. I had tried to keep a regular schedule but recently I’d not been coming around to the gym as much as I should. I grabbed my water bottle and weights before slamming the metal locker door, the sound echoing off the walls. I filled the bottle and stretched before strapping the cuffs to my wrists and ankles. I knew I probably shouldn’t jump right in with the weights after being away for a while, but I just wanted to wear my body out. I had every intention of pushing myself to the end just so I could go back and clock out for a few hours. I didn’t have to work in the morning and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I began with running laps around the perimeter of the room. Soon, with the repetitive thumping of my feet slapping on the floor I fell into the familiar pattern of movement and my mind drifted away. I went through the motions of my workout barely registering the burning in my limbs from the strain. As I worked I came to two decisions. The first was that I would tell Rachel about Layla, and second, I wouldn’t sleep with Eric before Rachel. When I finally finished I felt like I was waking from a dream, coming back to reality.

By the time I had stumbled back to my apartment my body was like jelly. I collapsed onto my bed, no longer able to stand. I barely managed to pull up the covers before my eyes shut.

I felt a renewed energy buzzing through me when I woke up. I knew what I wanted to do, and that was talk to Rachel. I was so eager just to see her again. I’d dreamt of being with her, of running my fingers through the inky black waves of her hair as she pulled me closer. I wanted to be near her and make what happened in my dream real. I wanted to touch every bit of her and I was anxious to do it.

That’s how I felt until the moment I was at her apartment. I hesitated as I stood in front of the plain black door, holding my fist at the ready but unable to move it. What if Rachel didn’t want to talk to me? What if she thought of me as everyone else seemed to? I tried to let my ego drop with my fist as I rapped against the stark black door three times.

When she answered the door I was not prepared. She stood in front of me with a towel tied around her chest, using another to dry her hair.

“Hey Mott,” she smiled once she recognized it was me who’d come to call. I froze as I looked down at her nearly nude frame. I could feel my face turn bright red as I tried to think of what I wanted to say. I’d been aware she had tattoos, I’d seen them peeking past the cuffs of her sleeves, the ends stretching onto the backs of her hands, but I didn’t know how far up they went. Her forearms were wrapped in floral details, fading to solid back as the ink climbed up her arms. The flat black circled around her shoulders and across her chest, stopping somewhere under her towel. Suddenly all I wanted was to see how far down they went. “What’s up?” she asked pulling my attention back to her face, “You doing anything?”

“I’m going to get a tattoo,” I blurted out, not realizing what I’d said until it was out there.

“That’s awesome,” she looked genuinely excited by the idea, “Want me to go with you?”

“Yes,” I stated worried that I sounded short, “I do, I-I’m really nervous,” I tried to explain hoping that she’d buy it. She stepped aside, holding the door open wider for me to enter the apartment. I ducked past her sticking my hands in my pockets as I sat on the couch.

“Just give me a minute to get dressed,” she crossed the room into her bedroom. I sat there nervously studying the walls as I bounced my leg up and down. “Do you know what you want?” her voice drifted out from the other room.

“What?” I asked my eyes going wide, all the blood flooding back into my cheeks.

“What kind of tattoo you want,” she added, poking her head past the door frame.

“Oh,” I replied, running a hand through my hair, “No I hadn’t really thought about it, it’s kind of a whim, you know?”

“Awesome, that’s the best,” she grinned as she moved back into her room.

It wasn’t long before we were walking down the hallway to the small parlor. I couldn’t help but fidget with my shirt as we got closer.

“Hey, don’t be scared,” Rachel said nudging me, “It doesn’t hurt that bad, and everyone will respect you more, guaranteed.” I tried to return her smile but faltered, “It hurts no more than a bad sunburn.”

“I can deal with sunburns,” I stated, more to comfort myself than anything. Nodding I followed her into the small shop.

“Hey Rach,” the woman behind the counter greeted as I looked around. It seemed to be a slow day, there was no one else here. I looked to my left, noticing the wall covered in flash art.

“Hey!” Rachel returned as she linked her arm with mine, pulling my attention and me to the counter, “This is Mott,” she stated with a gesture, “And she wants to get her first tat,” I could hear the excitement dripping from Rachel’s voice as I smiled at the woman.

“Nice,” she replied with a slight smirk, which seemed to be about as expressive as she would ever get, “I’m Suz, do you have any idea of what you want?”

“No, none at all,” I shrugged looking to Rachel for reassurance.

“That’s always best in my opinion,” Suz stated as she turned grabbing at a black binder, “Anything you see in here you can get today, if you want a custom design it’ll be a day or two for me to draw it out,” she explained, flipping the binder open on the glass counter and turning it towards us. Rachel eagerly leaned over the pages, studying the designs. I joined her looking at all the various possibilities.

“How about that?” she suggested pointing at one design of a leopard.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” I replied, dismissing it as I flipped the page. We continued like this for a while, her picking out random drawings and me turning them down. Our shoulders brushed as we leaned over together at the counter, we worked our way through two large binders of art before I started to see designs I was interested in. A few pages later there was a large drawing that I knew I wanted the second I saw it.

“I love that,” I murmured staring at the page.

“Where’d you get it?” Rachel asked, I’m sure she was relieved I’d finally found something.

“Maybe between my shoulder blades,” I suggested gesturing towards my back.

“Between or across?” she pressed raising her eyebrows at me, “Come on, you’re in Dauntless, you gotta go big.” Suz hummed as she nodded in agreement.

“It’d look sick across your shoulders,” Suz added as she pointed to the top of the drawing, “Like having this part go up the back of your neck, then this on your shoulder blades,” she moved her finger down the page, “These would look almost like wings.”

“Wouldn’t that take a while to do?” I asked, a bit nervous at the large prospect.

“Nope,” Suz responded quickly, “Same amount of time no matter the size,” she seemed a bit smug as she spoke, proud of her craft, “We print it onto the celluloid, position it on your skin and send three quick laser pulses through the film which basically burns the ink into your skin. About five minutes is all, then you’re done.”

“That’s all?” I raised my eyebrows as I looked to Rachel.

“Took five sittings to do all of mine and that’s only because it was in such weird places like my pits, and since it was one big connected piece,” she explained with a smile.

“Took me about half a year to draw all of it out,” the artist added.

“And it doesn’t hurt bad?” I questioned, my eyes darting between them.

“It will hurt, but no more than a bad burn, which is what it technically is,” Suz explained as Rachel nodded to agree.

“Ok,” I said lightly and unsure, but the more I considered it the more I liked it. I could almost imagine myself as looking like a true Dauntless leader, covered in ink. “Ok yeah,” I agreed, my voice more certain, “Yes I want this across my shoulders.”

Looking in the mirror I couldn’t help but agree with them. It still stung and tingled but it wasn’t terribly painful. I twisted my head further moving my shoulder to get a better look. Suz was right, it did look kind of like wings, or a starburst radiating out from between my shoulderblades. It was an abstract design made up of flat black bars that connected in the center of my shoulders. The black beams varied in size and length some tapering out to a wide, almost triangular shape. The design stretched down my back with one rectangle flowing down my spine and stopping in a triple point just above my hips. At the top it flowed along the back of my arms and over the nape of my neck. Decorating the black shapes were small linear details, patterns made of thin lines and arrows which contrasted with the large, dark, angular shapes.

“It looks fucking awesome!” Rachel cheered as she walked up, looking at my reflection with me. I couldn’t help but blush as I caught her eye in the mirror.

“It is pretty bad ass,” I bit my lip as I smiled. This tattoo was everything I didn’t know I wanted. I felt an unfamiliar pride in my skin, suddenly having passing thoughts of wearing revealing shirts to show it off. I was never one to draw attention or to stand out in the crowd, in fact I was more inclined to go out of my way to avoid the spotlight. But now as I studied myself I felt a comfort in my body I’d never known. The idea of people looking at me didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.

It was odd to make such an active choice in my appearance. In Amity you wore the clothing given to you, everyone kept their hair long, and no one wore makeup. Since transferring my habits hadn’t changed much. I mostly wore the standard issue uniform and civvies, and when I finished my first year as a full Dauntless member I’d chosen to stay in the eastern dormitories. I didn’t mind having all my meals in the mess hall and sharing a bathroom, that was the environment I grew up in. Though It did get lonely fast when all my friends from my initiate class moved across the compound.

“You’ll need to apply this at least once a day,” Suz began as she walked up to me holding out a small jar of ointment, “You’ll probably want to get someone else to do it to make sure you cover everything. Come talk to me if it still hurts after a week, I’ll give you some stronger stuff,” I nodded as I took the jar.

Standing in Rachel’s apartment that night I couldn’t help but smile to myself. I watched as she easily maneuvered off her jacket, slinging it off onto a chair before reaching to turn on the lights. My eyes traveled down her spine as I shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

“You want something to drink?” she asked as she scooped her loose hair over her shoulder.

“Yeah sure, whatever you’re having,” I replied, tearing my eyes away from how her hips looked in the high-waisted jeans she wore.

“I’ve just got some cheap white wine,” she stated as she walked to the kitchen gathering the bottle and two glasses. She used a small corkscrew to pop open the bottle, filling both glasses before handing one to me. “So I have this dress I never wear,” she began as she took my hand leading me to her bedroom, “It’s too long for me, right,” she explained handing her glass to me as she pulled open the closet door, “But you’re tall and have long legs so it’ll look great, I’m sure, and it’ll show off your tattoo.”

It took a minute of shuffling through rack of all black clothing before she finally found what she wanted. Pulling it out, Rachel held it up for me to see. It was a simple A-line dress with a circle skirt and v-neck collar. The back was non-existent. There were two spaghetti straps that began over the shoulder and crossed at the lower back holding up the front. My first thought was that it looked like I’d get a cold wearing it, but then I thought about how my new ink would be completely visible.

A small smile grew on my face as I reached forward touching the soft taffeta fabric, “I love it,” I whispered, finally looking up at her excited face.

“Try it on!” she cheered, almost jumping up and down.

“Right now?” I asked, blushing.

“Yes of course!”

I took the hanger, laying the frock onto the bed as I turned to face away from her. I pulled off my shirt and cargo pants swiftly. Hesitantly, I peeked over my shoulder at Rachel who was looking down at her phone. I sighed as I stepped through the center of the dress, wiggling as I pulled it past my hips, hooking my arms though the straps.

“Holy shit,” I heard Rachel mumble behind me as I struggled with the invisible zipper in the back. I could feel her hands brush mine away as she stepped forward, easily pulling it up. Quickly she grabbed my elbow, dragging me across the room to her floor length mirror.

“Oh wow,” I mumbled looking at my reflection. Even with my greasy hair and pale skin the dress made me look more formal. Like my hair was ‘elegantly disheveled’ rather than unwashed. My appearance looked intentional, just a simple change in outfit made me feel so much more confident and put together. Then Rachel pushed at my shoulders, turning me around. I gasped as I looked backwards, seeing the way the thin straps framed the ink. It was perfect. I didn’t want to take it off.

I didn’t hesitate as I looked to Rachel. I slid my fingers along her jawline and bowed forward slightly so my lips connected with hers. I could feel her smile as she moved her hands around my waist, pulling me closer.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, pulling away for a moment. I looked into her warm, kind eyes before I continued, “I need to tell you something,”

“Shh,” she cooed quickly, “It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me anything right now,” she leaned forward, lightly pecking at my lips, “For now, let’s just be together.” I thought for a moment, contemplating her suggestion.

“Ok,” I finally agreed, leaning in for another deep kiss.

That night we curled up in bed together and I slept peacefully.

The next morning I struggled to keep my eyes open while also trying to ignore the painful skin on my back, even though it was the only stimuli keeping me awake. I could barely pay attention as Eric assigned each of our duties for the day. I was just waiting for him to tell me to go rest saying I’d be on the fence again tonight.

“And Mott, you’ll be here with me today, I need you to sort files,” Eric stated, looking at me as he leaned forward on his knuckles.

“What?” I asked as my eyes snapping towards him.

“Is that a problem?” he questioned in a tone that challenged me to try and be insubordinate, if only so he could have fun thinking up my punishment.

“N-no, sir,” I murmured looking back to my boots. And so I spent the day sorting files. And also the day after that. And the next few days after that. Since the group of underlings had been cut by one apparently a lot of menial work in Eric’s office had gone unchecked and he had made it my duty to sort it out. I suddenly found myself spending ten hours a day sorting through backlogs of reports on the minor details that no one ever cared to look over for a few weeks.

I couldn’t help but groan as I stretched after my fourth day of sitting on the hard tile floor of Eric’s office in my small fort made out of stacks of overstuffed manila folders. I rubbed at my eyes, pushing my first knuckle forward, hoping this would help me focus somehow.

“Mott,” Eric barked, grabbing my attention from the other side of the beige wall I’d built from paper around me, “You’re working too hard.”

“What?” I asked leaning back, “You expect me to believe you care?”

“Shut up,” he commanded rolling his eyes at me, “While I admire your dedication, it is important to unwind,” he sounded like he was reciting a mantra from a PSA video about how to balance your life between work and relaxation. “Get up, we’re going drinking.”

“I should go home,” I stated a few hours later as Eric unlocked the door. I tried to stay still but I felt like the world was spinning under my feet. I braced a hand on the door frame as he walked in.

“Don’t be stupid you live across the compound and could barely walk here. I don’t want to wake up and hear that you tripped and fell into The Chasm,” Eric spoke with his usual stern voice. I knew he had been drinking because I sat there watching him drink, but here he stood with little to no difference in his demeanor. “You can sleep on the couch,” he gestured without looking to the living room.

“Ok,” I finally surrendered as I shuffled across the gray rug, flopping down onto the black leather cushions of the sofa. Eric said nothing as he entered his room, slamming the door behind him. I rubbed my eyes as my head swam. Grabbing my pack, I dug through it hoping I had something comfortable to sleep in. Thankfully I found an old set of gym clothes balled up at the bottom. I swayed and stumbled as I changed into the shorts, managing to make sure I fell backwards so I sat on the couch and didn’t land face first into the coffee table. I hissed as I pulled off my shirt, my still healing ink stinging from the contact with the cloth.

I had completely forgotten about my tattoo. I hadn’t put any ointment on it today. I reached into the small pocket of my bag, my fingers brushing against the smooth glass of the jar. Quietly I padded my way across the room to the bedroom door. I twisted the knob carefully, trying to not be disruptive.

“Eric?” I whispered, poking my head into the dark room.

“What?” he snapped, his annoyance obvious though muffled by the pillows. I could just make out the lump on the bed that was him.

“Would you help me?” hesitantly, I took a step forward into the room, pushing the door open further. I could see his head move in the shadows as he looked towards me, “I need to put the ointment on my tattoo and I can’t reach all of it,” I elaborated, holding the jar out as proof. There was a moment of silence as he contemplated my request.

“Fine,” he sighed sitting up and waving me over to the bed. He clicked on the bedside light as he yawned, throwing his legs over the edge of the mattress. I walked over, handing him the jar before turning to face away from him. I looped my shirt over my head, keeping my arms through the sleeves so my front was covered while my back was exposed. I looked over my shoulder, watching him out of the corner of my eye as he sat on the bed in only his boxers scooping out the cream with his fingers. My vision began to swim the longer I held the twisted pose and quickly I lost my balance again. I stumbled backwards slightly bumping into his legs and falling so I sat on the mattress between his knees.

I could feel his thighs resting against the outside of my hips as I tried to steady myself. I reached for the lip of the bed but instead my palms came to rest on Eric’s knees. He chuckled lightly at me before beginning to apply the ointment. I shivered, arching away from his cold touch at first, but he continued to glide his fingers down my spine. The ointment, which contained a healing serum, tingled on contact leaving a warm trail across my skin wherever his fingers had been. Slowly he massaged the cream into my tattoo, careful to cover every inch of black. I hummed, enjoying the sensation, unconsciously leaning into his touch as my eyes fluttered shut. Without thought I began to move my fingers too, rubbing small circles into the skin over his thighs.

I sighed, letting my head loll to the side as his fingers slid from the nape of my neck to my right shoulder. I could feel his warm breath on me as he leaned in, but it wasn’t until his lips made contact with my skin that I responded.

“What are you doing?” I hissed, trying to sound like I was annoyed and not enjoying this.

“Shut up,” he ordered before returning to suck at the flesh along my throat. He wrapped an arm around my middle, pulling my body hard against his. The shirt slipped from my arms to the floor as his other hand snaked forward grabbing my breast. My breathing hitched as his calloused fingertips rubbed against the soft skin of my nipple. I dug my nails into his thigh as I moaned from his touch. I could feel his chest move against me as he he took heavy breaths, biting my neck.

I couldn’t help but whine as his hand slid down my stomach. Just the sensation of his fingertips dipping under the waistband to my underwear made my hips jerk. My hands gripped his thighs tighter as I bit my lip and he continued south. Every inch of contact made my skin feel like it was on fire. I’d never had someone else touch me like this and I couldn’t help but gasp when he finally brushed over my clit. I went rigid against him, leaning my head back onto his shoulder as he laughed at my response.

“You like that?” he asked, his voice deep and husky against my neck.

“Mhmm,” I managed to hum before he pressed down on my clit. I groaned and squirmed in his lap but he held me firm against his broad chest with his other arm. I could feel a heat boiling deep inside of me, it felt like a cauldron underneath my stomach was going to bubble over any minute if he continued. I moaned as he began to move his finger in small circles, something was coming and I could tell it was painfully close. Eric bit at my shoulders and I clawed at his legs as he moved his hand faster.

“Oh- oh- FUCK,” I called as something inside me snapped and let go. Within an instant every bit of tension I had in my body was gone and I slumped backwards onto Eric, weak and melting into his arms. We stayed there for a moment as I caught my breath and one of his fingers continued to draw lazy spirals around my nipple.

By the time I opened my eyes he was quick to push me up off of his lap.

“Go sleep on the couch,” he huffed, “I’m tired,” and with that he turned off the light and rolled over into his bed. I stumbled to the living room, now both dizzy and on wobbly legs. Once I slumped forward onto the leather cushions I passed out.

I woke up stiff and sore on the small bauhaus sofa. It took me a moment to gather exactly where I was, then all the memories of the night before came flooding back. The feeling of Eric as he held me close, his hands pinning my back against his broad chest. The warmth of his skin against mine as he slid his fingers between my legs. I cursed myself as I pulled on my pants and collected my things. I tried to move as quietly as I could while shoving my feet into my boots. The door to Eric’s room was shut and I heard no noise from the other side as I slipped out.

I let out a sigh of relief, glad I was able to leave without being noticed as someone called my name. I looked over my shoulder to the right to find Jason and his girlfriend walking down the hall towards me. Both he and Mae had been initiates with me, though I never got to know them since they were both Dauntless born and trained in the separate group.

“Yo, Mott!” he called, grabbing my attention.

“Oh, uh, hey man,” I replied trying to sound casual, “I haven’t seen you in awhile, not since you uh-,” I paused, my eyes flicking quickly to his left arm which now stopped abruptly mid forearm, “Since you lost your hand,” I reached up scratching my neck, “How’re you doing?”

“Not too bad,” he said with a shrug, “I’m all right now,” he smirked. It took me a moment but I quickly caught onto the joke, “What sucks is I got cut from the leadership program for not being able-bodied anymore, but I like my new job in surveillance,” he shrugged, “We’re just heading to breakfast, you going our way?”

“Uh yeah,” I replied throwing my bag over my arm and joining them in stride as they continued down the hall.

“So is that yours?” Jason asked gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder to the door now behind us, “You finally get your own place?”

“No, I didn’t,” I mumbled keeping my eyes on my boots.

“Isn’t that Eric’s apartment?” Mae added, I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I tried to think of a way to defuse the impending conversation.

“He let me stay over last night. I drank too much, so I crashed on his couch,” I stated quickly, my head jerking up to look at them as we walked.

“Really?” Jason asked, raising his eyebrows, “Eric did something nice like that?”

“Well, I don’t think he really knew I was there,” I bluffed, fiddling with the straps to my bag, “That’s why I was sneaking out.” I sighed internally watching Jason nod, buying my story as we arrived in The Pit. “I’m gonna go this way,” I said, motioning towards the east wing of the compound.

“Alright, see you around,” Jason smiled, “We should hang out sometime.”

“Yeah totally,” I agreed, giving them an awkward thumbs up.

Jason walked towards the mess hall as Mae stepped away and towards me. She moved in close so her mouth was by my ear and whispered, “Just so you know, you have a giant hickey,” before turning around to join her boyfriend. My face dropped as my hand flew to my neck, knowing the exact spot to cover.

 

 

* * *

here is a drawing I did of Mott showing her tattoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics from this chap are form the song Yes, I Confess by Black Eyes https://youtu.be/t30-CQLyrJI


	5. Chapter 5

> i saw the sky split in two  
> one half jealous  
> and one half cruel

“So, Mott,” Nike began after a lull in conversation. My head snapped up looking to the tall woman, she was a few years older than me, as was Kelly, who’s kitchen we were standing in around the island drinking. They were both friends of Mae who was next to me, munching on some crackers as I took a sip from the bitter brown spirit in my glass. I had been quiet for most of the evening, not really familiar with anyone here.

I wasn’t sure why I had let Mae drag me along. I had been planning on curling up after finishing my dinner when Mae sat down across from me in the mess hall. It was a spur of the moment decision, she asked me to join her and I thought it wouldn’t hurt, but now I questioned that.

“Is it true?” Nike asked, raising her eyebrows so they disappeared under her bangs. I looked to Mae unsure of what Nike had meant, “The stuff everyone’s saying about you and Eric.”

“Oh,” I mumbled feeling the blood rush from my ears across my cheeks, “No, no, uh, not really,” my eyes drifted downwards to study the glass in my hand.

“That’s not what I heard,” Kelly chimed in, “Jay said he overheard Eric saying you were a thing.”

“You really think Eric would go steady with someone?” Mae countered, coming to my defense.

“That’s why everyone’s talking,” Nike explained, “This is the longest Eric’s ever been with only one girl,” I felt miniscule under the girls’ scrutiny. I could feel them watching me, waiting for me to finally tell them every rumor is true.

“Last I heard was that you’re knocked up and going to get hitched,” Kelly added with a shrug as she took a drink.

“That’s ridiculous,” I finally stated lifting my head to return their stares, “We haven’t even done that much, how could I be pregnant?”

There was a pause after I spoke, “So you have done something with him?” Kelly smirked.

“I mean,” my face felt like it was on fire as I nervously reached up to scratch the back of my neck, “Yeah, but nothing much.”

“Come on guys, give Mott a break,” Mae tried to deter the conversation but her friends merely leaned in closer, excited.

“So how big is he?” Nike asked, my eyes going wide at the question. “I bet Eric’s got a giant dick.”

“Are you kidding me?” Kelly scoffed, “With his ego? I’m sure he’s tiny and over compensating,” she held up her pinky as an example. Mae shook her head taking another drink, “So come on, dish.”

“I, uh,” I stammered, “I don’t really have a frame of reference.”

“Wait he’s your first?” Mae asked, surprised, “By you were Amity.”

“Yeah well, I had a girlfriend then,” I muttered before taking another giant swig of my drink.

“But you’ve seen it right?” Nike asked, I nodded in responce as she set down her glass. “Was it like this long?” She began holding her hand close together, “Or like this?” she moved her hands further apart slowly, but I just shrugged.

“I mean it was kind of big,” I mumbled, curling the fingers on my free hand, trying to remember what it had been like when I held him, “Like that, I guess?” I lifted my hand up to show them, “And he hit the back of my throat,” I was embarrassed talking in detail about this with people I’d just met, but I had the feeling they weren’t going to judge me for it. The two nodded looking to at each other then back to me.

“You know I’m kinda jealous,” Kelly mentioned as she leaned forward, resting her elbow on the kitchen island, with her chin in her palm, “If you did marry Eric, no one would fuck with you.”

“Yeah,” Nike agreed pointing at Kelly, “You could get away with anything you wanted just ‘cus everyone’s so scared of him.”

“So Mott, you got a new tattoo, right?” Mae interjected looking at me, “I noticed the ink on the back of your neck. Is it big?”

“Oh yeah,” I smiled slightly glad to have the subject changed. I set down my glass and turned so my back faced the others, as I bunched up my shirt, “I got it almost two weeks ago, my friend Rachel took me.”

“Ohh very nice,” I could hear Nike admiring the work as I looked back over my shoulder.

“Rachel Dios?” Kelly asked, making a sour face without even looking at the tattoo.

“Yeah, she has full sleeves,” I confirmed, gesturing to my arms, “I was nervous to go alone, so she took me. Do you know her?”

“You could say that,” Kelly took a sip from her drink as she stood up, “She went with my friend Anise for a while.”

“Wait she did? I thought that wasn’t, like 'official’, that they just hooked up,” Nike asked making air quotes with her fingers.

“Well Anise thought it was official but then Rachel just dropped her like a bag of bricks without warning. She just stopped talking to her one day and when Anise got a chance to ask Rachel after hunting her down, she said she was bored and that it hadn’t been serious,” Kelly elaborated with a skeptical tone, “You watch out for her, she’s two-faced,” she added looking back at me.

“Yeah ok,” I nodded distractedly. All that was on my mind was that I hadn’t spoken with Rachel since I got the tattoo.

The next morning I watched over my shoulder as Alexander and Rodney left the office. I was once again delegated to sorting files. Dropping my arms, I sighing as I crossed the office to my makeshift fort.

“Is something wrong, Mott?” Eric asked in response to my exasperation, much to my surprise.

I hesitated knowing I should say nothing, but I had been so anxious recently I couldn’t help but ask, “When can I go back to working on the fence?”

“Never,” He stated without lifting his eyes from the papers on his desk.

“What?” I questioned, stepping forward, “Why not?”

Eric looked bored as he lifted his face to my gaze, “Because it was requested that I send someone else,” he spoke in a matter-of-fact tone as my expression fell.

“That can’t be right,” I stammered, “I thought I was doing well.” Eric sighed as he turned to look at his computer, clicking on something with his mouse. I leaned forward trying to see his screen as he pulled up an archive of messages.

“Here,” he stated pulling up the scan of a watch log’s notes, turning the monitor towards me.

I looked over the page reading the words. My stomach dropped as I saw what it said, highlighting my insufficiency as a guard monitor and suggesting I be delegated to data collection and synthesis, or monitoring something other than actual people.

“Ok,” I finally mumbled with a hard swallow. I struggled to keep my expression neutral as Eric turned his monitor back and I shuffled to hide behind my manila wall to work on sorting files.

I sat cross legged on the floor brooding as I looked over the pages of reports. I could barely pay attention as I flipped through the ppapers, moving the folders to the appropriate pile. I was thinking about a hundred things at once, everything from what Kelly and Nike had said about Rachel all the way back to when I’d last spoken with Johanna.

“Mott,” Eric barked suddenly, wrenching me from my thoughts, “Where’s my stapler?”

“Did you look to the right corner next to to the pens, where I put it every time I clean your desk?” I shot back without even having to look up.

“Hand it to me,” he ordered, finally drawing my attention up.

“Why?” I countered, finally glaringing at him past the stack of folders.

“Because I’d like to watch you do it,” he stated with a blank face.

I let out a large sigh as I stood up, taking a single step to his desk. Leaning forward, I grabbed the stapler and moved it about six inches closer to his hand before I asked, “There? Enjoy that?” Eric’s hand shot forward to mine.

“Listen I don’t know what’s stuck up your ass today, and I don’t care,” he snarled as his fist wrapped tighter over mine, “So lose the attitude or you’ll have hell to pay.” I stood there silently for a moment not breaking eye contact as his fingers dug into my knuckles.

“Yes, sir,” I finally spat, letting the words drop from my mouth onto his desk. I yanked my hand away once his grip slackened and turned on my heel with a huff.

“Get me the logs and records for the end of September, specifically the twenty-first,” Eric ordered once I had sat back down.

“Are you serious?” I groaned as I threw my head back, annoyed with his timing.

“I told you to watch it,” he shot as I stood up shuffling across the room while sneering at him. I pulled open the drawer and dug through the files, taking out the exact one he requested.

“Here you go, sir,” I said in a saccharin tone as I handed the folder to Eric, “Is there anything else that you need me to do?” I gave him the sweetest smile I could manage as I wished for his immolation with my eyes.

“Got quite the mouth on you. Maybe you should make it useful,” he replied, smirking as he yanked the folder from my grasp.

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry,” I countered with a deadpan expression as I flopped back onto the hard tile floor behind the wall of my fort. I had returned to my sorting for less than a minute when Eric cleared his throat.

“Mott,” he barked, “get me the file for September ninth.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” I groaned as I stood back up, crossing the room again to the filing cabinet. “Here,” I threw the folder down in front of him, before again turning around to my previous work.

“Wait.” I let out another audible sigh as I spun around to face him, “This is the wrong file, I asked for the eighth.”

“No you asked for the ninth, and I gave you the folder for the ninth, so it is the correct folder,” I challenged, resting my hands on my hips, “You’re the one who was wrong.”

“That doesn’t matter. This is not the file I need, so it is the wrong file,” Eric elaborated through clenched teeth, tossing the folder over the desk, causing the loose leaf pages from within it to fly out across the floor as it spun in the air. “Clean that up then get me the correct folder.”

I stood there, my fists balled at my sided, trying to keep my breathing even as I exhaled through my nose, “Yes, sir.”

I crouched on the floor over the mess, leaning forward onto my knees to gather the scattered sheets of paper. I tried my hardest to ignore the feeling of his eyes on me for as long as I could, but I had little to no patience left.

“What are you leering at?” I snapped over my shoulder as I straightened the pages in my hand.

“Your ass,” he replied in matter of fact tone.

“You’re an ass,” I mumbled under my breath as I tucked the papers into the flooder and stood up.

“What was that?” he asked as I crossed back towards the filing cabinet. I stopped mid step to turn and face him.

“I said, you. are. an. ass.” I spoke slowly, punctuating the pauses between words to ensure he heard me clearly. I had barely finished speaking when he crossed the room in three long strides.

“I warned you,” his voice dropped an octave as he leaned over me. My stomach jumped at his tone as I stood frozen in his gaze. We stayed still like that for an eternity, our eyes locked in an mutually angry glare.

I don’t really have an explanation for what happened next, it kind of just happened. I moved without thinking, acting only on how I felt. I was sick of feeling rejected by Rachel, I missed being with someone who wanted me like Layla, and I was sick of this moment of silent tension. So I reached up, curling my fingers around Eric’s shirt collar and yanking him towards me. Our teeth gnashed as I brought my lips up to his, wrapping an arm around his neck to hold him close.

Eric was quick to catch on. Pulling my hips in, he returned my affections with equal fervor as I sucked and bit his lips. I pushed myself hard against his chest as he ran his hands across my bottom to the back of my thighs. Just the feeling of his fingers through my clothes made my skin tingle. I clung to his neck as he stood up, lifting my legs to envelope waist.

I could tell without looking that he was carrying me to the empty spare desk in the corner. I had moved it against the wall to open up some floor space for the construction of Fort Manila. Eric stumbled forward, much more interested in biting the skin under my ear and the sounds I made in response than paying attention to where he was going.

As Eric moved, blind to his surroundings, he walked directly into one of my fort’s outer turrets. I wrenched my face away from his as the hundreds of folders and pages spilled out, scattering across the floor. I tried to lower my legs but Eric’s fingers dug into my skin keeping me in place.

“You can pick it up later, I’m not done,” He growled into my ear before recapturing my lips. He broke apart for a breath as he swung his foot to the side, knocking over another stack. I grabbed his shoulders trying to see the damage done as he pushed me onto the desk. He pulled my face forward, biting my lip as his other thumb ran slowly up my inner thigh and I was lost again. Spurred on by the persuasive fire in my belly, I balled the cloth over his shoulders in my fists and pulled myself against him, trying to ignore the feeling of his smirk against my lips.

I whined as Eric bit my pulse point and ran his hand up abdomen. His fingers were cold against my skin as they slipped under the band of my bra. He twisted my hips so I fell to the side, lying across the top of the desk as he pushed my shirt up. Diving forward he rolled my nipple between his teeth as my hands flew up covering my mouth to stifle the noises I was making. With one hand he deftly undid the zipper to my pants before sliding his fingertip just past the waistband, teasingly rubbing against the unexposed skin.

“Please,” I pined as he moved, leaving wet kisses on my sternum.

“Please what?” he questioned slowly quirking an eyebrow, obviously revelling that he had me such a position of duress.

“Please touch me,” I elaborated, looking up him through my eyelashes, but I could tell he wasn’t satisfied with my response. “Touch me the way you did the other night,” I pouted.

“Like this?” he hummed, slowly moving his hand, dragging his finger ever so slightly across my clit. I bit my lip as he held my gaze with a hungry stare.

“Please,” I continued to plead, watching as his tongue darted out across his bottom lip. I threw my head back as he finally pressed down giving me the fiction and stimuli I wished for. I grabbed at his head pulling his lips to mine as his hand continued to move. I tried to kiss him as I gasped in response to his fingers. I could feel as he slid his middle finger down past my clit towards my center. I groaned as his digit moved inside of me.

“Ow,” I mumbled pulling away, “No, that hurts,” I whined as he continued.

“Just relax,” he hummed against my throat as he to pumped his hand back and forth, simultaneously rubbing his thumb against my clit. Slowly but surely, I began to enjoy it. I unconsciously rolled my hips with the rhythm of his hand as I clawed at his shoulders, his teeth scraping along my collarbone. I moaned as the new tension inside of me built closer to it’s collapsing point.

He stopped suddenly, drawing his hand back as his lips ghosted over my jaw bone, “Say you’re mine.”

“But-,” I protested as he taunted me, moving the calloused pad of his thumb slowly around my sensitive nerves.

“Say it,” he ordered, his breath hot against my skin.

“Fine, I’m your’s, please, just let me come,” I cried before he pushed his lips on mine, kissing me hard as he rocked his hand faster than before. I shook as the orgasm washed over me, arching my back into him as he grinned against my mouth.

Eric rested his hand on the table next to my head, holding himself above me while studying my form as I caught my breath. I blushed under his scrutiny, turning away from his gaze as I reached to pull my top down. He batted my hands away, adjusting my bra and lowering my shirt for me.

“You should probably get started sorting that,” he suggested, jerking his head toward the mess on the floor before leaning forward and pecking my lips. He stood up, straightening his clothes before returning to his seat as I laid on the desk trying to steady my breathing and gather my thoughts.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest as I sat, curled up on a boulder along the edge of The Chasm. I wiped away a stray tear as I watched the current good-will boxing match. I sat alone at the edge of the crowd barely paying attention the punches thrown. I sighed as I rested my chin on my knees, still utterly confused by this morning. Did I like Eric or did I just like what he did to me?

“Mott! I’ve been looking all over for you!” a familiar voice called, their hands resting on my shins as I looked up at Mae.

“Hey what’s up?” I asked quickly wiping at my eyes as I forced a smile.

“Check it out!” she exclaimed holding up the back of her left hand to me, so I could see the large tattoo on her ring finger.

“You got married?” I questioned, my eyes going wide.

“Yup!” she bounced on the balls of her feet, obviously still elated by the fact, “Jason and I eloped last night!”

“I’m so happy for you,” I replied giving a genuine smile as I slid forward from my seat on the rock to give her a hug. She stiffened slightly under my embrace but still reached up to pat my shoulder in response.

“So anyway,” Mae continued pushing me back by my shoulders, “I’m moving in with Jason now, right? And housing said my apartment would go off to someone via lottery, unless I knew somebody who wanted it, and of course I first thought of you,” she explained, squeezing my shoulders.

“What?” I stuttered, amazed by her offer.

“You’d get my old apartment, which is one room really but also all the furniture since I don’t need it,” I couldn’t believe the offer at first, I was more than sick of the dorms and then suddenly this chance fell into my lap.

“Yes, of course! I’ll take it!” I grinned at Mae as she returned my expression, “Thank you so much.”

“It’s nothing!” she replied with a wave of her hand, “I’m glad it’s going to someone I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics at the beginning are form the song Camouflage, Camouflage by The Blood Brothers https://youtu.be/jSkB12-AiKU


	6. Chapter 6

> i wake alone  
> in a woman’s room i hardly know  
> i wake alone  
> and pretend that i am finally home

“Really?” Mae asked eyeing the two relatively small boxes that sat on the bare mattress, “That’s all?”

“Yeah I guess, it’s mostly clothes and gear,” I replied as I slung the black duffel bag over my shoulders then grabbing one case.

“You don’t even have a TV?” she questioned, lifting the last box and heading out the door.

“I never really wanted one,” I shrugged as I took one final look back at the small room I had resided in for the past few years since I’d left Amity for good. I didn’t feel much of anything as I let the door shut behind me. Most of the time I spent there was sleeping or getting dressed, my strongest memory was when I first saw it.

Once I passed initiation and was an official member of Dauntless, I was assigned to this space. We had to spend at least a year here before applying for an apartment, but I never bothered to move out. Until now, that is. Passively accepting what is given to you is very much an Amity trait. It’s more Dauntless to demand better, to take what you deserve.

We joked and laughed as we lugged my possessions across the compound. Being around Mae made me smile, I could relax in her company.

“It’s been bugging me, so I have to ask,” I began as we passed The Chasm, “Where did Jason get his wedding tattoo? I mean he doesn’t have a left hand, let alone a ring finger.”

Mae gave me a smug look before stating, “On his cock,” as my eyebrows shot up.

“Seriously?” I asked in a hushed tone, looking at her wide-eyed.

“No! Of course not,” Mae scoffed, throwing her head back with contagious laughter. I couldn’t help but smile with her. I should’ve expected this, she had recently started teasing me for how gullible I could be at times.

“Phew,” she finally said, still chuckling as she balanced the box on the railing, freeing a hand to wipe away a tear, “You will believe anything,” she grinned at me, “but no, he just got it on his right hand.”

“Drum roll please!” Mae buzzed as she punched the code into the keypad before swinging the door open, “Welcome to your brand new, though gently used, humble abode!”

I hummed and nodded as I looked around the small room, “I think I’ve got about four square feet of extra space over the old place,” I joked looking back at her.

“And this sweet kitchenette,” she added, pointing to the left side of the room with her thumb. There was a small half size fridge with a butcher block countertop above it, a two burner gas stove, and sink, “You don’t have to rush to the mess hall for breakfast any more, talk about leisurely mornings. And check this out,” she crossed the small space to a door, turning the knob, “This is why I moved out of the dorms, your own shower! No more of that communal co-ed washroom bullshit.”

I poked my head past her looking in, “That’s about all that’s in there,” I commented as I studied the closet with a toilet and shower. I stepped back as she closed the door and looked around the small room again and I liked it, I even had a window now.

“Thank you, Mae,” I stated with a wide smile as I turned to face her.

“Don’t worry,” she replied waving her hands, but I could see she was pleased with my reaction, “Listen I got a spare TV, so I’ll bring it over tonight after work and I’ll show you all my favorite programs, ok?”

“Yeah that sounds awesome, I can’t wait,” I agreed as she walked to the exit.

“Alright, I’ll see you then, just after dinner,” she finalized before closing the door.

While toweling my hair, I stepped out of the shower humming, “Stamp and dance be nimble and merry,” I mumbled to myself as I looked at my new room. I had spent all day arranging and rearranging the handful of furniture I had until it was perfect and I was exhausted.

“But watch the fire and try to be wary,” I continued, as I closed my eyes, leaning forward, and wrapping my hair tight in the towel to dry. It was one of my favorite songs from Amity that was sung around the weekly bonfire, I could never forget it.

“For you must know I have no warm bed,” I slid open the folding closet doors to reveal my dresser, I moved it in there to save floor space. Once it was tucked away I was able to arranged my bed and small futon back to back in the center of the room, the couch facing the door, and the bed set so I could see out the window as I laid down. I was very excited about the new bed, it was twice as wide as my last one so I had plenty of room to stretch out.

I dug through the dresser looking for underwear to pull on, “And when it’s cold I need it instead,” I sang as I pulled an oversized t-shirt above my head, letting it settle around my shoulders as there was a knock on the door. “One second,” I called out as I quickly tugged up a pair of shorts.

I hurried over to the door at the second knock, “Sorry, I just got out of the-,” I began as I looked up, expecting to see Mae with a monitor. Instead I was greeted by the tall, broad frame of Eric in my door way.

“Oh, hello,” I stammered, thrown off balance by his sudden appearance, “Sorry, I was expecting someone else, a friend.”

“I heard you were moving,” Eric spoke, ignoring me as he pushed past into my apartment, “I brought you this,” he handed me a bottle of liquor, “A house warming gift,” he explained without making eye contact as he strode around my room inspecting the small space.

“Thanks, but I don’t really like whiskey,” I replied inspecting the bottle.

“That’s fine, just save it for the next time I visit,” he responded taking a seat on my mattress, “Not bad,” he nodded before eyeing at me, “Need help breaking it in?”

I gave an exasperated sigh as I set the glass bottle on the coffee table and crossed over to him, “My friend Mae is going to be here any moment, you need to leave,” I said as I grabbed and tugged at his arm, giving a futile attempt to dislodge him from his seat.

“But I don’t want to,” Eric shot as he jerked his arm back, leading me to stumble forward. He quickly wrapped his other arm around my waist, pulling me sideways onto his lap.

“Cut this out,” I said as he gripped my waist, leaning forward to bite my throat. I pushed on his shoulders trying to back up, but he held me in place. I felt my resolve crack as he slowly ran his nose up along the column of my neck.

“Don’t you want to spend time with me?” he questioned with a low voice into my ear. I whined as I wrapped an arm behind his neck, inching myself closer to him as his fingers danced around the hem of my shirt, acting as a catalyst to the fire under my belly. I brought my face forward, nipping at his top lip as he grinned, leaning backwards slightly.

“Hey Mott, I brought the TV,” Mae called out, pushing the door open with her back. She paused in her tracks once she finally turned to fully face Eric and I, “Oh, uh, my bad,” she stammered, averting her eyes to look at the wall.

“No,” I started frantically, pushing myself away from Eric while his grip was slack, “Eric was just about to go,” I looked at him quickly catching his furious glare, “He’s leaving now.”

Eric let a out a scoff as he stood up, pushing past me to the door, which he proceeded to slam behind himself.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, avoiding Mae’s eyes as I tugged on my fingers, “I was trying to tell him to leave, that I was expecting you, but he can be, uh, persuasive,” I stammered as she set the screen onto the coffee table.

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize to me,” she joked in a light tone as she moved to hook the television up. I sighed and relaxed, letting my shoulders slump as I moved forward to help her.

“I do have to ask though,” she started, looking up, “Does Eric know about Rachel?”

I gnawed on my lip, hesitant to answer, “No he doesn’t, but it’s not like it matters. I haven’t heard from her in two and a half weeks,” I explained, watching as Mae’s face drooped with sympathy.

“I’m sorry,” she added, resting a hand on my arm, “That really sucks. But hey, it’s her loss,” she added as she squeezed my shoulder. I tried to return her smile as we plugged in the last wires.

I blinked slowly in the morning sunlight, confused for a second at where I was. It took a moment for me to gain enough consciousness to gather my bearings but then I remembered, I was in my new apartment where I lived alone. I felt a long familiar pang in my chest at the reminder of my solitude and unconsciously let my thoughts drift back to the details of Layla.

I thought of how I’d idly wrap the spirals of her hair around my finger, laying with her in the grass when we were young and free from responsibility. Free to spend the day together doing as we pleased, even if that was nothing. I wished to look at her now, across the bed sheets from me, sharing my blankets. I could see in my mind how her curls would spill across the pillow, like the vines of ivy snaked across the decayed concrete overpass in Amity. I reached out slowly, running my fingers through the air where her cheek would be, imagining there was something to touch.

How different would my life in Dauntless have been if Layla had joined me? Part of me swore I could have helped her, kept her from being discovered, but she never even gave me that chance.

With a deep sighed I closed my eyes and rolled over, pushing myself up from under the bedding. I sat on the edge of the mattress, trying to prepare myself for the day ahead as I avoided looking over my shoulder to the empty bed that I occupied alone.

I spent most of my time perched on the floor, resorting all the scattered files. It turned out to be an extensive process, first having to return the loose leafs to their proper folder, then organizing said folders. I spent day in and day out flipping through pages and sorting through files on the floor of Eric’s office.

I grew stiff spending the long hours curled up on the hard tiles. I swore that I’d go to the gym today, I even brought my gym pack with me so I could head there straight away. I heard my joints pop as I stood up and stretched. Checking the clock I noted it was dinner time. Most everyone would be in the mess hall so the gym will likely be empty as I preferred. That’s what I hoped for, but unfortunately things didn’t go according to plan.

I hadn’t taken two steps in to the rec room when I found myself face to face with Eric. I groaned, annoyed that I could never seem to keep away from him.

“Surprising seeing you here,” he smirked, about to exit the door I had just entered, “Don’t want to get too flabby, people might start to question if you’re actually a soldier,” he chided as he walked pass. I stood there fuming for a minute before I turned on my heel and stormed into the men’s locker room, following him.

“I’d be able to work out more if I didn’t have to spend countless hours sorting out the mess you made!” I shouted, catching him by surprise as he pulled his shirt off.

“You mean the mess we made?” Eric challenged, quirking an eyebrow as he emphasized the word ‘we’.

“No way, you were the one who knocked everything over,” I returned pointing my finger at him as he rested his hands on his hips.

“Really?” he replied taking a step closer to me, “You really think you weren’t complicit in the act? It was entirely your fault,” he pressed as he looked down at me, I stood my ground, refusing to step away, “After all, you were the one who kissed me.

"It almost makes me wonder why you followed me in here,” Eric continued as he studied me with his eyes.

“I came in here to call you an idiot,” I spat at him as he moved in closer.

“Is that all you came in here for?” Eric asked, lowering his head toward my ear, “There was nothing else that you wanted from me?” he shifted his legs, pushing one foot between mine as his lips ghosted across the edge of my ear. I swallowed hard before answering, hoping to stifle the tremor in my voice that he caused.

“No?” I stammered, my tone unsure. Part of me wanted to run away but then he began to nip and kiss my jawbone and I couldn’t help but rest my hands on his bare chest as he grabbed my middle. He pulled back, sitting down on the bench behind him as his fingers trailed along the sides of my legs, encouraging me forward. I bit my lip as I followed his lead, resting my knees on either side of him while avoiding his smug expression. I shivered at his touch as his fingers trailed up my spine underneath the cotton of my shirt.

“There’s nothing you want from me?” he questioned again his lips dangerously close to mine as he pushed my hips down against his semi hard bulge. I closed my eyes, whining at the sensation of him under me before I choked out a response.

“I want you to say my name.”

“Now why would I do that?” he smirked, teasing at the skin of my neck.

“Because I want you to,” I stated, pushing back slightly to catch his gaze.

“Hmm,” he hummed, narrowing his eyes as if considering my request, “No.”

I acted on impulse and unabashedly slid one hand down his abdomen, snaking my fingers between our hips to cup his erection through his gym shorts, “I want you to say my name,” I reiterated, pushing against him.

“No,” he maintained as his trademark crooked smirk grew into a grin. It was obvious he was enjoying this game. I felt hypnotized by his hungry stare as I cautiously slid my palm upwards, letting my fingers dip under his waistband while leaning forward.

“Say my name,” I whispered in his ear trying a new tactic, allowing my warm breath dance across his skin and cartilage. I could hear Eric let out a low growl as his hands drifted north from my thighs, gripping the soft flesh of my bottom. I stalled my hand, allowing my fingertips to just barely tease his lower wisps of hair, “I just want you to say my name.”

Before Eric could reply the locker room door swung open with the laughter of three men echoing off the tiles. I snapped back to reality in an instant as the clouds that fogged my mind quickly dispersed. Without hesitation I climbed off of Eric’s lap. Grabbing my bag, I bolted towards the exit, bustling past the group of intruders.

I couldn’t believe that I’d fallen into his trap again. I cursed myself for being caught with him as I stopped in the hall just outside the doors, trying to catch my breath. I knew what kind of rumors this behavior would inspire. I turned my head to the side, hearing the nondescript sound of Eric yelling profanities at the others. I couldn’t imagine that he was happy with this turn of events.

Once back at my place I clamped my fists over my eyes and dropped to the floor, slumped against the inside of my apartment door. I don’t know why I continued to let this happen and I hated myself for it. I could swear that I despised him a hundred times over, but then once Eric put his hands on me I immediately turned into putty, eager to bend to his will. I cursed myself with an exasperated sigh.

Dropping my hands I looked up and my eyes came to rest upon the glass bottle of amber liquid on the coffee table. I had forgotten about it, leaving it out to eventually collect dust days ago. Shifting my legs, I knelt forward and wrapped my fingers around the neck of the bottle. Twisting open the cap there was a satisfying crack as the seal broke before I lifted it to my lips, taking a hefty drink. I was quick to pull away, coughing and sputtering at first in response to the bitter taste before I brought the bottle back for another gulp.

After another drink or two I managed to stand up and stumble three feet over to the couch. I grabbed the remote clicking on the television as I took another drink, still grimacing at the taste. The screen blinked to life pulling up the last channel I had been watching with Mae. She had a thing for cartoons and now there were five animated women singing, “Face it like a grown up, when you gunna own up that you got-,” I cut them off changing the channel. I continued to press the button, absently scanning through the different programs without really processing what they were as I sipped absently at the bottle.

The next thing I know, I’m blinking at the morning sun as it shines in my face. I groaned as I rolled over, twisting my bed sheets tighter around my legs. Eventually I sat up, stretching as a I yawned. Moving to throw my legs over the edge of the bed I noticed the half empty bottle on the side table with a piece of paper taped to it. I tugged the note loose and immediately recognized the neat handwriting, everything in caps. The note simply read, 'I thought you didn’t like whiskey’ without a signature.

I kept my head down all day, too embarrassed to even look at Eric. I tried my hardest to just focus on my work, plowing forward like Sisyphus with this mound of paperwork. I could feel the note in my pocket every time I shifted, hyper aware of it’s presence. All day I wanted to say something to him, but each time I tried to get my nerves up I hesitated. I’m not quite sure why, I knew for a fact that was his handwriting. But maybe it could’ve been someone else. Though who else would would’ve taken the time to tuck me into bed? At the end of the day I stood to leave, gathering my things before I headed out.

“Mott,” Eric barked, causing me to jump before stopping in my steps. He stood and rounded the corner of his desk so he stood in front of me, “Go have a quick dinner and wash up, I expect to meet you in The Pit at six o'clock sharp. We’re going out.” I was confused for a second not sure if he was giving me orders or asking me on a date.

“Yes, sir,” I nodded as I dipped my hand into my pocket to grab the note, “Did you leave this?” I asked, holding it out to him.

“Of course, and you’re lucky I came to check up on you,” he smirked as he took the small piece of paper, “I found you face first in the rug with Bob Ross playing.” I had a quick flash of a hazy memory, watching a show about painting trees and adoring every second.

“Well, thanks,” I replied avoiding his eye contact. He moved his arm, resting his fingers under my chin, guiding me to face him as he leaned in to place a chaste kiss on my lips.

“Wear something nice,” he added, moving his mouth close to my ear before stepping away and returning to his seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the beginning are from The Recluse by Cursive https://youtu.be/6EeQNmGknak


	7. Chapter 7

> i’ve been searching for so long  
> for someone to  
> i’ve been searching for so long  
> for something, too

Looking around The Pit, I wondered how I let myself be dragged to this. I fiddled with the zipper to the jacket as I sat on a folding chair pulled close to Eric’s, his arm resting across the back of my seat as he talked to everyone but me. Looking down at my chest I studied the name patch on the front of the jacket, E. Coulter. Once we had stepped outside the compound to leave he noticed me shiver and insisted I take his coat, throwing it over my shoulders regardless of my response. I slipped my arms into the sleeves without complaint, though I didn’t need the extra layer. I found myself shaking at the thought of him forcing me to go to another execution. With every step I took I feared who I may see killed this time.

While I was relieved that it was a pair of factionless men I’d never known before, I was still unable to relax while watching them be hanged. Afterwards Eric spent time visiting with leaders from the other factions as the crowds dispersed, everyone leaving to celebrate at their respective compounds. When he was ready to head out, Eric walked over, placing his hand on the center of my back. He ran his palm along my spine until it came to rest on the nape of my neck with his fingers curling across my shoulders. I could feel the pressure of his hand through the thick jacket material, guiding me back to Dauntless. I hadn’t spoken once all night, not since greeting him in The Pit.

Now I sat next to him idly sipping at my drink as he prattled on with his peers. I had seen the three men he was talking to around the compound before but didn’t know their names, and Eric hadn’t bothered to introduce us. The little bits of their conversations I caught over the loud music seem to be mostly boasting with posterized stories. They didn’t get into detail, I suspected, so that the others wouldn’t challenge the believability of what they said. That or they didn’t care enough about each other to take the time to elaborate. I barely paid attention to them, watching the crowd instead.

I moved, shifting in my seat to stand as Eric snapped to look at me, “Where’re you going?” he questioned, ignoring the epic evening his friend was currently retelling.

“Just to get another drink,” I shrugged, holding up my empty cup for him to see, “I’ll be back in a minute,” I added with a wave before sliding my freehand into the jacket pocket. I shouldered my way through the crowd up to the counter. Normally during lunch you could get a quick snack here but tonight it was strictly drinks only. I stood, holding a place at the bar, patiently waiting for the bartender.

I felt a hand come to rest on my bicep just as I made eye contact with the woman across the counter. I looked quickly, jerking my head over my shoulder to find Rachel behind me.

“What do you want?” I could hear the bartender say, yelling over the music.

I stuttered for a moment, turning back and handing her my empty plastic cup, “Vodka tonic,” I finally replied, “On Eric’s tab,” I added at before she left. Once she was busy making the drinks I spun around.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Rachel exclaimed reaching to wrap her arms around my shoulders, but I did not return the action, “I’ve missed you,” she said, smiling as I stood still.

“What’s up?” she finally asked, catching on to my cold demeanor, “What’s wrong?”

“If you missed me so much, why’d you have me decommissioned from working out on the fence?” I snapped a little more harshly than I intended, but I was slightly influenced by the alcohol already in my system.

“What are you talking about?” Rachel asked with a bewildered expression.

“Oh, come on,” I scoffed, “I saw the request you wrote asking for someone, anyone other than me,” I explained, “Eric showed me.” The moment I said his name her face dropped, switching instantly from confused to exasperated.

“You’re going to believe something he told you without double checking?” she questioned, raising her eyebrows at me, “You don’t think he would go and create a fake report to keep you away from me and all to himself? Because I can promise that I never wrote anything but praise for you in my log notes.” Maybe I was a little drunk but she seemed to make sense. The gears in my mind clicked as they moved, slowly accepting the details and implications of her statements. My eyes drifted across the room to Eric’s seat but it was empty.

I spotted him starting to edge his way through the crowd towards me. Without thought I grabbed Rachel’s hand and ran as fast as I could to the west hallway, away from the party.

Slamming the door to my apartment shut, I spun around to Rachel. I quickly reached out resting my palms along her jaw bone, pulling her close to me as I captured her lips with mine. She responded immediately, sliding her hands around my center while returning the kiss and taking a step backwards. I followed, glued to her as I slid my fingers into her hair. I kissed and pulled at her lips as we stumbled, too interested in each other to notice the furniture. We eventually found our way onto the mattress without breaking the kiss.

Pulling away, I shrugged off the coat while hovering above Rachel, her fingers tugging at the lapel, urging it away. She sat up as I shifted to kneel beside her. We kissed as my palms rested on her shoulder and she reached behind me to undo my zipper. I was wearing the dress she had given me, it being the only garment I own besides my uniform. Eric had complimented me in it when I first saw him, then he promptly offered me his jacket to wear. I let the anger inside me from the realization of his intentions spurn my actions as I sucked at Rachel’s neck and moved to take her shirt off. The straps of my dress hung loose, slowly moving down my arms as she and I worked in tandem to remove her pants. I shifted my hips and lifted my knees, kicking my dress to the floor before diving forward, pushing Rachel against the mattress.

I indulged in the feeling of her soft flesh as I slid my hand underneath her bra. Her nipple was hard against my palm as I left open mouth kisses on her sternum. She moaned and shifted, arching her back as she reached underneath to undo the fastener. With a casual flick she discarded the undergarment and I was captivated. I leaned forward, placing my mouth over her nipple as she gripped at my hair. I spun my tongue around the hard bead of her breast, relishing in the sound my actions incited.

I pulled harder at her nipple, encouraged by her moans as I let my free hand slide across her stomach. Her skin felt like velvet under my fingers and I savored the feeling of her warmth under my hand as my fingertips dipped past the waistband to her panties. I ran my fingers through her center, roaming within her lips for the familiar bud. I knew I found it by the hitch in her breathing, and continued to moved my finger back and forth as she gripped my hair and I left a wet trail of kisses up her neck.

Our mouths met in an excited frenzy as I finally moved my finger within her. She groaned into my mouth at the sensation and I could feel her grin as I rubbed my thumb across her clit. I shifted my hand as I let my kisses drift to her jaw bone. I revelled in the noises Rachel made as I moved my hand back and forth, balancing my thumb on her bud of nerves. I was enthralled as I nipped at the various part of her skin, watching her reaction to the simple movements of my hand and knowing that it was me who put her in this state of unrest.

“Oh-,” Rachel choked out as she reached up grabbing my shoulders and pushing me away. We shifted so that she had me pinned to the mattress. Leaning forward she captured my lips in a heated kiss. A warmth inside me grew with every small touch. Pulling away she held my gaze through hooded eyelids as she trailed her lips across my stomach. I shivered at the contact before she laced her fingers around the hem of my panties and slid the cotton fabric down my legs.

With an absent toss, Rachel discarded my underwear somewhere on the other side of the room. I laid across the matress, looking down my middle at her as she knelt next to the side of the bed. Pushing my legs further apart she trailed her nose along the sensitive skin of my inner thigh. Briefly, she made eye contact before diving forward, kissing my clit. I jerked, unused to the feeling but quickly began to relax as she used her tongue, making slow licks along my center. I moaned, reaching for her head as I clamped my eyes shut and rolled my hips in sync with her ministrations.

Rachel grasped my hips, holding me still against the mattress as she twirled her tongue, stoking the fire inside of me. I bit at my knuckle trying to stifle my response as she brought me closer to the edge. I finally hit my peak as she continued, nearly screaming as she teased my clit. I pushed at her head, urging her back as I shook from my orgasm.

“You enjoy that?” Rachel asked as she climbed forward kissing along my stomach, though I was sure she knew I was in no state to respond. I nodded as I gathered my breath and she hovered above me, wiping at her mouth. I reached up, idly sliding my fingers around her neck to bring her close. I kissed her slowly, taking pleasure in her soft lips as I wrapped my other arm around her waist pulling her to me. I could feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine as she buried her fingers in my hair and sucked on my bottom lip. I let my tongue lazily wrestle with hers as she shifted, laying on her side and gently raking her nails down my back. Shivering at her touch, I moved closer, skimming my fingers along the curve of her hips. Moving my hand up her sides, I brushed my thumb across the black ink above her breast, bridging between her shoulders. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes as I watched her smiling at me, sharing my mattress. I rubbed my thumb around the piercing in her cheek as a tear finally broke and rolled down mine.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong,” Rachel was quick to respond, wiping gently at the stray tear drop.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about someone,” I mumbled, shaking my head and looking away, “but she’s gone now so I should move on,” I said more to myself than to her.

“What happened?” Rachel asked in a quiet voice, stroking the pad of her thumb gently across my cheek, raising my chin so our eyes met.

“She-she was killed,” I murmured under my breath, fighting back a sob as her expression softened. Rachel shifted, resting her right arm under her head as her left hand continued to gently pet my hair.

“Shh,” she cooed, giving me a soft smile, “I know how you feel, I’ve lost loved ones, too,” I felt a warmth blooming within my chest at her words, excited that she may have understood. “It’s the unfortunate byproduct of being a solider, our friends die in battle,” she continued, “But they’re fighting for a good cause.” Suddenly, my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach, realizing what she meant, “When all of this is over, when all the factionless and divergent are gone for good, there will be no more fighting and your friend, her death won’t have been in vain.” I swallowed hard as I stared at Rachel barely able to respond. I felt more like sobbing now than I had before.

“Ok,” I choked out, shifting to roll over so I faced away from her. She inched closer wrapping an arm around my middle. I stiffened slightly as I felt her skin brush against my back, but eventually I was able to relax enough that I somehow drifted off to sleep.

The next day I looked forward to spending my time alone in Fort Manila. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to focus on the mindless task of reorganization, but Eric had other plans. I was to accompany him to Candor for a testimonial hearing. We rode along in the truck with some of Eric’s peers I recognized from the after party. They were heading to the fence and offered to drop us off along the way.

Once at Candor, Eric moved forward into the compound without a word. I followed him through the maze of black and white hallways, further into the main building. My eyes strained at the contrast of the decor, it was like walking through an optical illusion. When we finally came to what looked like a lobby Eric abruptly stopped, turning on his heel to face me.

“I’m going to witness a testimony and interrogation. You do not have the clearance to join me,” he stated as he lifted his arm to point at a white couch across the room, “Sit there and wait.”

“You dragged me across the city to make me sit around and do nothing?” I questioned, speaking out of turn.

“You’ll sit there and wait for me,” he reiterated. I could see the tension in his jaw and decided against challenging him further, especially now that we in front of people from other factions. “I won’t be long,” he said as I crossed the room to the pale loveseat.

I sat there waiting for hours with nothing to do. I was bored out of my mind, only able to ruminate about how much I wished I wasn’t here. By the time Eric exited the office I was fuming. I didn’t respond to him, walking in silence as he lead the way out of the compound.

The gravel crunched under Eric’s boots as he began to run beside the tracks once he first spotted the headlights of the oncoming train. I trailed behind him, trying to keep up with his long legs as the train surged past us. Without hesitation Eric reached out, grabbing the handrail near the door and pulling himself onto the car in a single fluid motion.

I pumped my legs once he was out of the way, moving forward and grabbing the railing when I was close enough. I kicked a leg up, hooking my foot into the doorway when Eric’s hand reached out. He grabbed my upper arm and with a hard jerk, pulled me inside.

“I know how to get on a train just fine, thanks,” I spat at him, wrenching my arm from his grip and moving away.

“Just seemed like you were struggling,” he replied with a shrug.

“I wasn’t,” I stated before turning my back to watch the night sky and the city lights through the open door. I crossed my arms as I tried to ignore Eric. His annoyance was palpable in the air but I didn’t care. I jumped as his slid his hands along my hips from behind.

“It’s a long ride back to Dauntless,” he whispered in my ear before I used my elbow to push him away, walking to the other side of the cabin, standing with my back to the wall so he couldn’t sneak up on me again.

“So what?” he asked with a huff, “You’re mad at me now?”

“You lied to me,” I declared, giving him the coldest stare I could muster.

“Took you long enough to figure that out,” he teased as he strode towards me, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

“Why did you lie?” I challenged, crossing my arms tighter the closer he came.

“Because I can,” he replied with a shrug, “Because I like having you in my office.”

“You had me fooled,” I scoffed as I rolled my eyes, “You barely even acknowledge that I’m there.”

“Because you said you were mine,” his voice dropped an octave as he placed his hand flat on the wall next to my head, leaning in.

“I wasn’t thinking clearly when I said that,” I turned my head away, blushing as I avoided eye contact. I tried to ignore the way my stomach flipped at just the sound of him.

“I like it when you don’t think clearly,” Eric mused as he reached to rub his thumb across my jawline before curling his fingers behind my neck, weaving them through the roots of my hair. He leaned in closer, moving his face besides mine as he traced his nose along the edge of my ear. I shivered at the contact, trying to maintain my will against him as his other hand drifted to my hip, teasing at the hem of my shirt. I rested my palms on his shoulders, taking a deep breath and trying to avoid the subconscious moan escaping in response to his attention.

“Don’t think,” he whispered into my ear and I felt my resolve crumble. I turned my head towards him, capturing his lips with mine as my arms snaked around his shoulders. I could feel his hand moving up my side, sliding underneath the cotton of my shirt, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. It felt like my body was moving autonomously as I leaned into him, whining while his thumb teasingly rubbed at the flesh just under my bra. I reached up raking my nails across the buzzed hair on the back of his scalp as his hand dropped. He was quick to undo the buttons of my pants, eager to let his fingers dive between my legs.

I unconsciously rolled my hips into his touch the moment I felt his fingers ghost past my clit. Without hesitation he slid a single digit into me, curling it as he moved his hand back and forth. Our tongues wrestled as he pumped his hand, my hips rocking in tune with his thrusts. Breaking away, I gasped when he inserted another finger. I almost resented how quickly my body responded to him. Once he touched me, I couldn’t get away and I couldn’t get enough. He bit my neck as I clenched my eyes shut, pawing at his shoulders in response.

I could feel the rumble of his growl through his chest as he pressed himself against me, nipping at the skin over my aorta. I shifted, pushing myself along his torso while he continued to tease me with his fingers. There was a voice in the back of my head telling me to stop but it was barely a whisper compared to the voice insisting that I continue. I tugged at the ends of Erics hair prompting him to raise his head so our mouths could meet. He bit at my bottom lip and my breathing hitched when a third finger slid within me. I lifted my leg, linking it around his thigh as I whined in response to his hand. He continued without pause and I soon found myself relaxing into his motions. I dug my nails into his skin, moving with the rhythm he had established while pinned between him and the cold metal of the wall. Once I let out a moan, he stopped, pulling his hand away.

Instead Eric lifted his hand, curling his fingers around the waistband of my pants and underwear before pushing them down. I shivered at the cold air tickling the newly exposed skin of my bottom. I was barely aware of what Eric was doing as he twisted my hips, forcing me to turn around, to face the wall. Passively, I looked back over my shoulder to see him undoing the fly to his jeans, unearthing his erection. He leaned forward, pushing my chest against the cold metal of the cabin wall as he pulled my hips back with one hand. I could feel his breath hot against my neck as he tauntingly rubbed the head of his dick between my folds. I whimpered at the contact, slightly eager to feel him inside of me as he moved forward pressing himself into my center. I hissed at the pain but he continued slowly inching his way within me while reaching forward to massage my clit with his fingers.

“Ow-,” I whined before he cut me off, taking my lips with his, he stalled for a moment letting me adjust to the intrusion before slowly pulling back. He continued in this pattern taking his time as he alternated between directions. I gasped at the sensation barely registering the way he kneaded my breast or kissed the nape of my neck. I tried to reach behind myself, to grab at him, but the angle was so awkward I couldn’t hold on. I resigned to bracing myself against the wall as he picked up the pace, thrusting harder than before, his fingers tightening around my hips.

“Just like that,” Eric groaned, his voice low and husky, encouraging me as I pushed back against him. The sound of skin slapping echoed off the metal sheeting that lined the train cabin every time we moved together. His panting breaths tickled my spine, fueling the mounting pressure within me. The train car rattled and shook, speeding over the rails, the gnashing of the metal wheels drowning out the sounds we made.

Eric leaned forward, pressing his chest against my back, his hand coming to rest on the wall over mine, supporting his weight. The momentum of his hips faltered as he hissed half formed words in my ear. I rocked with him, trying to find my release before he reached down to tease my clit. I gasped as the tension within me broke at his touch. My body shuddered as my orgasm washed over me, pulsing outwards from my core. My legs wavered, unable to support my form any longer, forcing Eric to hold me in place while he continued to move his hips.

With a hard roll of his hips, Eric wrapped his arms around my torso and pushed me flat against the wall. I could feel his body shake as he halted, holding me tight against him while he came, releasing inside of me. His heavy breaths brushed the skin of my ear as I turned my head to the side.

Gazing at him from the corner of my eye, I watched his expression as he returned my stare, his pupils completely blown. He shifted his chin, biting my bottom lip while keeping me pinned between his body and the wall. Reaching up, I ran my fingers across his short hair on the back of his head as I brought his face closer, deepening the kiss.

The cold air rushed to fill the space between us once Eric finally pulled back, withdrawing himself from inside of me. I shuddered at the loss, already missing the way he felt when pressed against my back. He quickly tugged at my underwear and the waistband of my jeans before shifting his attention to his own slacks. I turned around, leaning back against the wall as I buttoned my pants, watching him do the same. Eric smirked as he noticed my eyes on him before leaning in for another small kiss.

“We’re almost back at Dauntless,” he stated once he pulled back, “You sure you can walk?”

“I think I can manage,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the beginning are from This Apparatus Must Be Unearthed by The Mars Volta https://youtu.be/9IYlmjxL5Fs


	8. Chapter 8

> if i had legs  
> i’d get up and move  
> if i had arms  
> i’d put up a fight

Rachel’s knuckles brushed against mine as she lifted a spoonful of macaroni with her other hand. I smiled at her as l ate my breakfast.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked, scooping up more food.

“Alright,” I replied with a shrug as I pulled off a piece my bagel, “How was the fence?” I returned before tossing the bite-sized bit in my mouth. Due to the drastic differences in our sleep schedules, we had fallen into a pattern of spending our meals together. Breakfast and Dinner were the only times that we were both awake and free to spend time with each other.

“It was long,” she shrugged, “Do you know when you’re going to be back, working guard duty?” she asked. I could feel my expression fall at the mention, it was not the first time this conversation had come up. The other night I had been tired after a long day and complained about sitting around doing paperwork to Rachel as I ate my dinner. I was looking for a bit of sympathy but instead she insisted I talk to Eric, demanding that he reassign me to guard supervision on The Fence again.

“No I haven’t,” I mumbled, fidgeting with the food in my hand, “It’s not really easy to approach Eric with requests, let alone demands,” I mentioned before taking another bite.

“You need to stand up for yourself, stand up to him,” she insisted, taking my hand, “He can’t treat you like this.”

I let out a heavy sigh while looking away to the clock on the wall, “I should get going soon.”

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Rachel said quickly, giving my hand a squeeze, “I wasn’t trying to upset you. Listen, I have tomorrow night off and my friend is throwing a party. We should go and dance, we won’t have to talk about anything,” she gave me a sincere look which made me smile.

“Ok,” I nodded, “That sounds fun.”

I had the office to myself for the day. Eric was at Erudite for a meeting and had taken Alexander as his shadow for a change. It was peaceful being alone, listening to the light tapping of the rain against the glass panes of the window. Unburdened by Eric’s constant supervision I found myself taking more frequent breaks, stopping to lean on the sill and watch the gray clouds that hid the tops of the half decayed buildings.

This was Layla’s favorite kind of weather, despite the popular opinion in Amity. Most everyone in the faction loved to be out in the warm sun singing and working, but she prefered when it’d rain and everyone would hide inside by the warm fire. She said it felt like the world had resigned to rest, with all normal activities impeded by the weather.

“Everything is prettier,” she insisted one day as we stood under the awning, watching our classmates hurrying through the downpour, jackets and umbrellas stretched out above their heads. The truck back to Amity was at the market, about three blocks away from the school building. Usually we’d all walk together as group but today everyone darted out one by one as they built up the nerve to brave the rain.

“Ready?” I asked, looking at Layla as I gave her hand a squeeze.

“I don’t want to run,” she said, “Let’s go slow.”

“But we’ll get soaked,” I pointed out as she kicked her sandals off, tying them to her backpack.

“So?” she challenged. I smiled, following her example before she led me away from the temporary shelter of the overhang. We were instantly drenched as we waked. I can remember the way her hair sagged with the weight of the water, loosing it’s usual round shape as drips fell from her dark curls.

The overcast clouds seemed to make the already gray city even more dull. From the wet concrete to the few glass windows that reflected the dark sky above, everything was desaturated as if the rain had washed away all and any color. Everything that is, but Layla. She was a splash of warmth against the cold, industrial environment. Her orange dress hung limp around her, the wet linen clinging to her skin. Her palm felt snug against mine as we purposely strode through the puddles, laughing as we kicked up the water.

We were the last to round the corner. The driver gave us a disapproving look for being late as we hurried to the back of the truck. The others reached out, helping to pull us up on to the now empty flatbed. We sat on the pallets that had previously held the food delivery as the engine roared to life. One of the adults pulled out a fleece blanket from her satchel and offered it to Layla and me. Wrapping it around ourselves, we snuggled closer. I rested my head on her shoulder as we leaned back, settling in for the bumpy ride back to the farm.

I sighed at the memory before returning to my current task at hand.

That evening I sat at the island in Mae’s kitchen, slumped forward with my cheek resting on my palm as she marinated some chicken. She stood still, having stopped mid-motion to look at me with surprise. I eyed her face as she processed what I had just told her.

“So you slept with two people,” she began, I nodded watching her slowly realize what I’d done, “Two people who you’re pretty sure don’t even remotely like each other, and you did it within twelve hours of each other?” I pursed my mouth, pulling my lips tight as I nodded again, looking away.

“Well I’ll tell you one thing,” Mae said, almost laughing, “No one can say you’re not Dauntless material anymore,” she joked.

“Oh come on,” I scoffed rolling my eyes at her.

“Do they know?” she asked, still smiling to herself as she returned to her prep.

“Rachel doesn’t know, but I’m pretty sure Eric does. I think he figured it out,” I shrugged as the front door to the apartment opened.

“I’m home,” Jason’s voice called from the other room as Mae quickly wiped her hands off on her apron. “Oh hey Mott,” he greeted as he walked into the kitchen, nudging my shoulder with his elbow as he moved around me to give his wife a quick kiss.

“So what you two gossiping about?” he asked as he quickly dipped his finger in the marinade, tasting it as Mae lightly slapped his arm.

“Nothing really-,” I started to say before Mae cut me off.

“Eric’s being a jerk to Mott again,” she explained as Jason gave a knowing nod.

“The guy’s been the talk of the compound today,” he mentioned as he climbed on to the stool next to me, “He got into some big fight in The Pit.”

“What?” Mae and I asked together.

“With who? Are they ok?” she continued as Jason grabbed the loaf of bread from the center of the island, ripping off a piece.

“Some chick, it didn’t got physical though. I was the one who noticed it on the cameras so I sent someone to intervene. Apparently she got one good slap before they broke it up,” Jason elaborated with a shrug as he chewed on the bread.

“You think it was Rachel?” Mae turned, directing the question to me.

“I don’t know,” I groaned, holding my head with my hands while resting my elbows on the counter, “I really hope not, I can’t imagine what they’d say to each other. I don’t want to imagine.”

The next morning I didn’t see Rachel in the mess hall. I assumed she was using her time off to sleep in. I found my way to Eric’s office where I was surprisingly, yet again designated to sorting the never ending pile of reports. I was left to my own functions for most of the day as Eric came and went. Thankfully I was on the downside of the sorting where I was returning the folders to their respective file cabinets and tossing the outdated reports.

I stood, humming to myself as I thumbed through the contents of the drawer. I pulled out the old folders, dropping their contents in the trashcan I had put next to be me before replacing each one. Eric had been in and out of the office all day but I paid him no mind. He had gone back to ignoring me as expected. We hadn’t spoken out right since the train ride, though I’m not sure I had anything I wanted to say.

I was relieved when the clock finally struck five. I felt like I had been watching the minute hand all day, waiting for my chance to leave. I was quick to gather my things, throwing my pack over my shoulder as I turned towards the door. Before I could take a step I noticed the knob twisting, and without hesitation I knew who it was.

Eric eyed me as he stepped over the threshold into his office, “You going somewhere?” he asked as he stopped to stand in front of me.

“Yes,” I replied, gesturing towards the clock, “My shift’s over, and I’m going out tonight.”

“Going out where?” he questioned as he slowly stepped closer.

I hesitated for a moment, but ultimately stood my ground, “I’m going to a party with Rachel,” I declared, watching Eric’s bemused smirk drop at my words. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go,” I asserted as I pushed past him, pulling the door shut behind me before he could respond.

From the moment I arrived at her door, something seemed off about Rachel. She was quite as we climbed the stairwell to the party. I guessed she was tired and tried not to think about it, but once inside the crowded apartment her entire demeanor changed. Suddenly she was excitable and friendly, freely giving out hugs while greeting the people she knew as we made a bee-line for the drinks.

The kitchen table was littered with bottles of booze, varying in contents, type, and size. Rachel grabbed at the neck of a random bottle that was still mostly full, pouring a generous helping into two plastic cups, topping them off with a splash of mixer. She handed one cup to me before holding hers out.

“Cheers,” she said, giving me an actual smile for the first time tonight.

“Cheers,” I replied, smiling as I tapped the lip of my cup to hers. She linked her free arm with mine as I took a drink, leading me into the other room. Though the apartment was quite large, especially compared to the broom closet I lived in, the place was packed from wall to wall with revling soldiers letting loose. The crowd of bodies moved as one, jumping and swaying to the deafening music. Rachel turned to face me, stepping closer with a hand on my waist as she moved with the others.

“I love this song,” she shouted in my ear before taking a big gulp. She pulled my hips closer to her, guiding me to move with her. I felt stiff and awkward, unsure of what to do. I copied her motions, trying not to overthink as I took another drink. Rachel spun around, pressing her butt into my hips as she guided my hand to rest on her stomach, holding her close to me. Her fingers skimmed over the skin on my arm as she trailed her hand upwards, her hips continuing to guide my movements. She brushed along my jaw bone prompting me to lean forward. She looked at me through her lashes as I let my lips just barely touch hers. I faltered unsure of what to do, still confused by her mood swings. Though our lips were tantalizing close, I still didn’t know if she wanted me to kiss her.

Rachel closed the distance herself, capturing my mouth with hers. There was a hunger behind her kiss while she nipped my bottom lip. I slid my tongue past her teeth as my hand gripped her tighter. She ran her fingers through my hair, pulling my head forward as she tried to deepen the kiss, despite the awkward angle. She rolled her hips, grinding against me as she tugged on my hair. I groaned into her mouth at the sensation, focusing solely on her and the way she moved. I barely registered there was anyone else in the room with us as her soft lips moved against mine.

I was brought back to reality at a jarring rate when the song ended and she pulled away. I smiled at her, blinking a few times, watching as she took a drink.

“We should go see if anyone’s playing some games,” Rachel suggested as she took my hand. She crossed the crowded living room to a sliding glass door which lead to a balcony. There was a small group of people cheering on a dark haired guy as he chugged a beer, slamming the can on the table in front of him once he finished.

“Hey Rach!” someone called as I shivered in the cold air. I recognized the person speaking as Suz, the artist who did my tattoo. She sat at the small table encircled by people I didn’t know. Suz scooted over, making room on the bench for us. “Perfect timing,” she began as she gathered the cards on the table, “We’re just about to start a new round.”

“You know how to play?” Rachel asked, looking at me as Suz shuffled the playing cards and one of the guys put a new can of beer in the center of the table. I shook my head as I looked around at the others. “It’s super easy,” she started, “You know how to play Dauntless or Candor, right?” I nodded though it’d been years since I’d indulged in the playground game. “So if you draw black, you get Dauntless and have to do whatever the person holding the deck tells you. If you get red, you got to answer a question.”

“That seems easy enough,” I mumbled as I took a drink.

“At the end of your turn you put the card under the beer’s tab. The person that cracks the beer has to down it. Then the game starts over,” Suz added as she fanned out the cards in her hand, “Just watch and you’ll get it soon enough,” she held her arms across the table to a small girl in glasses, “Ok Pat, you first.” The girl reached across the surface grabbing a random card without hesitation. She flipped it over in her hand to reveal the seven of hearts.

“Ooh, red!” Suz mused as she rubbed her chin, considering the options, “Ok I got one I always wanted to know,” she began with a teasing smirk, “Is it true your full name is actually Patience?”

“Yeah it is,” Pat replied with a sigh and roll of her eyes, “It’s a stupid stiff name my parents chose. I couldn’t wait to pick a new one when I transfered,” she explained as she stuck the card under the beer tab. Suz handed over the deck, and Pat gave a quick shuffle before turning to the dark haired boy next to her, “Ok Josh, your turn.”

“Ugh not again,” Josh groaned as he revealed the ten of spades and Pat gave an evil laugh. It was easy to tell by her grin that she had a wicked idea in store as she leaned to the side looking over the metal railing.

“You see that apartment with the lights on?” She asked pointing to a balcony a storey below us. Being on the far side of the table, Rachel, Suz, and I, along with few others had to stand up to get a look at where she was pointing, “You have to climb down to that apartment and scare whoever is in there.”

“That’s a good one,” another girl commented as we all waited for Josh.

“Easy,” he dismissed as he pulled off his jacket, throwing it in Pat’s face. He wrapped his hands around the railing and swung his feet over. He grabbed at the bars holding the rail up as we all leaned forward to watch. He easily swung from one bar to the next, before kicking his feet to propel himself the neighboring balcony.

“How’s he going to get down?” I asked quietly, transfixed by his display of agility. Even for a Dauntless soldier it seemed reckless to free climb at this height.

“The idiot will probably just drop,” Suz guessed before he did just that. Once he had positioned himself he let go of the bars in his grasp, letting himself drop about two yards before reaching out to grab the railing of his target apartment. We could hear him hiss at the pain at the sudden contact but he was quick to pull himself up and over the railing. He disappeared from view and it was silent on the balcony as we all held our breath in anticipation, leaning forward to try and see.

“You think he’s-,” someone began before being cut off by a scream and the sound of glass shattering. There was another moment of silence before Josh stuck his head out over the lower balcony railing.

“Be there in a second, I’m gon take the stairs this time,” he yelled as he gave us a thumbs up grinning and holding a tissue over what looked like a bloody nose.

The game continued on his return, with the next person drawing red. The deck was passed around the table as we drank and played, with everyone answering questions or following through with stupid tasks. With each draw the challenges get more risky and the queries more probing. Still no one held the deck up to me, so I sat quietly and watched.

The seal on the beer was about to crack as Rachel slid the eight of diamonds underneath the tab. She took the deck from a boy who’d asked her about her shoe size and fanned the remaining cards between her fingers while turning to face me.

“Ok, Mott, your turn!” she said with a smile. I reached out, hesitating as I let my hand hover over the cards before grabbing one to the left. I looked quickly before turning it around to show the others, I’d drawn the ace of hearts.

“Candor!” Suz shouted, “That’s a question!”

I waited nervously as Rachel pondered. I felt anxious under the watch of everyone at the table as she thought. When she finally looked up at me the drunken, playful gleam in her eye was gone.

“Have you been with Eric?” she asked flatly, staring me in the eye.

“What?” I laughed as I looked around the table. Everyone else present had noticed the change in tone, “Of course, I mean I work for him, I’m with him all day.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she returned, though I had understood her intention.

“I’m not talking about that right now,” I replied quietly to her, more aware now of the other’s scrutiny than before.

“You drew red, you have to answer,” Rachel insisted. I took one last look around the table of her friends before I stood and left. I felt like there was a belt tightening around my chest as I shouldered my way through the crowd to the exit. Once in the hallway I leaned against the wall and let out a sob. I didn’t understand why she would put me on the spot like that.

I heard the apartment door behind me open and close before she spoke, “I already know,” her voice was cold and the last thing I wanted to hear, “Eric was eager to tell me all about it.” She reached out to grab my arm but I jerked away.

“I know you didn’t want me here,” I spat at her, “I see that now, so I’m going to leave and you can go back to your friends to tell them how awful I am,” I didn’t wait for her response before I left.

I wiped at my eyes as I paused in the stairwell, standing at the door to the second level. It wasn’t my floor but this was where my feet had lead me. I lived further up up but I found myself pausing, knowing Eric was just down the hall.

Sliding past the door I stepped as quietly as I could, realizing most of the apartments on this floor belonged to leaders and they were the last people I wanted to upset. Thought my vision was slightly blurred from the booze I’d had, I was able to focus on the silver ‘13’ that designated Eric’s apartment. I could tell he was awake by the light shining through the door jam. Holding my breath, I reached up and gently rapped my knuckles against the wood. Pulling my fist away I paused, unsure if I should knock again as I heard movement from the other side.

In a moment the door swung open to reveal a drowsy, shirtless Eric clad only in a pair of loose fitting sweat pants. I blushed, looking away, avoiding his scrutiny as he grinned to himself at the sight of me visibly upset and drunk on his doorstep in the middle of the night. He knew where I’d been and I’m sure he could guess by my tears why I was here.

“I thought you were going out tonight?” he asked in spite of the obviously evidence.

“Can I come in?” I requested, ignoring his antagonizing question as I stepped forward, closing the distance between us though he stayed still, blocking the entrance to his apartment.

“I thought you were out with Rachel?” he questioned as he looked down at me. I paused resting my hand on his chest as I looked away to my feet.

“We got in a fight,” I replied in a mumble as I felt him laugh, the muscles of his abdomen shifting under my palm.

“A fight?” he teased in with a smug tone, “A fight about what?”

I turned my head up quickly locking eyes with him, “About you, ok?”

“And why were you fighting about me?” Eric asked as he leaned in, his face mere inches from mine. I shuddered under his attention, his words sparking a familiar buzz inside of me.

“I’m sure you can guess,” I responded flatly, trying to hide the way he made me feel.

“Tell me,” he insisted while keeping a tantalizingly close distances between our lips.

“Because,” I choked out on impulse, “because I like you so much better when you’re naked,” I finally admitted, placing both my hands flat against his bare chest. We were so close I could barely see the self satisfied smirk Eric wore as he allowed me to push him into the room away from the entrance. I heard the door slam shut behind us as I captured his lips with mine, snaking my arms around his neck. I pulled at his bottom lip, humming at the sensation of his large hands wrapping around my hips. I felt everything, hyperaware of every inch of his skin that brushed against mine. I moaned into his kiss as our tongues wrestled and I pressed myself closer against him.

He pulled at my thighs, prompting me to wrap my legs around his waist as he began to cross the apartment to his bedroom. His fingers dug into the flesh of my bottom and I shivered at the feeling of his half formed erection as it teased against my center while he held my hips against him. I unconsciously shifted my body, clawing at his shoulders, eager just to feel more of him connecting with me before he let go, dropping me unceremoniously onto his mattress.

I felt a lurch inside me as I sat there watching Eric rub himself through his pants, eyeing me with a hungry stare. Just the thought of what he wanted to do sent a shiver up my spine. I shifted to kneel at the edge of the bed, tugging my shirt over my head as he stepped closer. With one hand he grabbed at the back of my neck, bending forward to pull me into a heated kiss. There was a quiver between my legs as he cupped my breast though the cotton of my bra, slowly massaging my flesh as our tongues wrestled.

My hands danced across his chest, frantic to touch every inch of his skin until eventually, my fingers found their way to his jaw. I pulled him close as I leaned back onto the mattress. Eric broke the kiss as he climbed on to the bed between my legs. His fingers felt cold against my skin, prompting goose bumps to form wherever he touched as he reached behind me to undo the bra clip. Leaving a train of wet kisses along my neck, he yanked off the undergarment without looking. Immediately, his lips encompassed the sensitive skin of my nipple. I arched into him at the sensation, moaning loudly as he teased me with his tongue.

Reaching down, I fumbled with the button to my pants, distracted by Eric’s attention as he pinched my opposite nipple. I gasped at the slight shock of pain while he looked at me, grinning. Once he noticed my failing attempts he took over the duty of removing my pants. With a violent jerk the trousers were off my legs and onto the floor. Eric grabbed my wrists, pinning my hands above my head before returning to bite my neck, inciting me to unconsciously roll my hips against his.

“I like you like this,” he whispered in a husky voice, his warm breath tickling my ear.

“Like what?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“Eager,” he replied before crushing his mouth against mine. With his words I felt another lurch deep inside me. I hummed as he pushed his torso along mine, excited by just the weight of him ontop of me. I bit at his lips as I raked my nails across his scalp, feeling the vibrations of his moans through his chest.

Eric shifted his leg, pushing my knees further apart so he could grind his hips against mine. I broke away from him with a gasp, feeling how wet my underwear had already gotten. I was anxious for his touch and linked my legs around him, keeping his hips tight against mine. No part of me faltered or hesitated for a single moment as I gave in, following instinct rather than logic.

Eric shifted, grabbing my ass as he rolled onto his back, and suddenly I found myself straddling his hips. I bit my lip as I studied how he looked underneath me, with his erection nudging my center. Sheepishly, I rolled against him as my fingertips floated along the skin just above his waistband.

Eric let out a sharp hiss as he pulled at my waist, guiding me to lift my hips. I balanced myself with my hands flat on his abdomen while he reached with one hand, revealing himself from from inside his flannel pants. With his other hand he pushed on my thigh, directing me to lean back until the head of his dick poked me through my damp panties. I gasped, biting my lip and curling my fingers as he reached around my leg, moving the crotch of my underwear to the side as he continued to tease me. He stilled once he had himself lined up before pushing against my thigh again. I gasped as I sat back, easing him inside of me. Slowly but surely I moved, taking my time to adjust to his size.

I whined, feeling stretched to a breaking point by the time his dick was completely buried within me. His hands felt electric as they slid across my skin before his thumb came to rest on my clit. A shock rocked through me at the contact and my eyes shot open, staring at his self satisfied grin.

“I want you to ride me,” he ordered as he continued to brush his thumb over the bundle of nerves. I dug my nails into his abs as my body followed his guidance, my hips rocking back and forth against him. His fingers tugged at my bottom and I raised my hips up, groaning at the feeling of him scraping against my inner walls. I continued to lift and drop myself against him as his hands roamed my torso, paying special attention to my breast. He twisted and teased my nipples as I moved, rolling my hips between each thrust so my clit brushed against his pelvic bone. I could tell Eric enjoyed this by the way his hips began to buck, jerking up to meet mine while his hands drifted south to squeeze my hips as his head lulled back.

“Oh fuck,” he growled, his fingers digging into my skin as I moved, “Fuck, Mott, just like that,” I froze abruptly, surprised by his words.

“Why’d you stop?” Eric asked quickly, his head shooting to look at me. He sat up, balancing himself with one arm on the mattress behind him. My hands drifted up his chest to his shoulders as he move, while I gnawed on my lip trying to stifle my grin.

“You said my name,” I explained with a cheeky smirk. Without warning Eric wrapped his arm around my waist and threw me onto my back, quickly beginning to thrust at an unyielding pace as he dug his teeth into the skin between my shoulder and neck. I could feel a familiar tension building under my belly as I clawed at his back and wrapped my legs around his hips, trying to keep up with his erratic movements.

“Eric, oh god-!” I shouted while I buried my face in his sounder, clinging to his form as I was hit by my orgasm. My toes curled and my insides tightened around him as he continued, unperturbed while I trembled underneath him. It wasn’t long before I could feel the muscles of his bottom clenching under my calves and he went rigid. He twitched inside of me as he came, groaning into my skin. He slumped against me as his body relaxed and the spasms receded. I made no effort to move from under his weight as his deep breaths tickled the skin of my neck, still tender from his aggressive bites.

After a moment Eric began to move, propping himself on his elbows as he looked at me, splayed across his bedding underneath him. With a quick kiss he pulled away, removing himself from within me. I shuddered at the loss as I watched him climb under the bed sheets before he lifted the covers up further and motioned for me to join him. I groaned as I moved, slightly sore from his treatment as I shuffled, curling up next to him and falling asleep once my eyes closed.

I was awoken in the middle of the night by a light. I didn’t know what time it was but I could tell it was early by the dark skies through the window. I rolled over to find Eric out of bed and pulling on a t-shirt.

“What’s going on?” I asked, rubbing my eye.

He looked over his shoulder for a second, the piercings moving as he quirked his eyebrow at me before he sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his shoes. “Nothing, I’m going to work out,” he replied.

“Oh,” I mumbled as I laid my head back on the pillow, idly watching the way the muscles of his shoulders shifted under the tight fabric of his shirt. I wonder vaguely if he was going to kick me out and tell me to go back to my apartment.

“Do you care about me?” I questioned in a quiet voice as he tied his laces.

He looked at me again, twisting slightly in his seat as he paused to think, “I guess you could say that.”

I’m not sure what I expected him to say, I didn’t think he was going to confess his undying love for me, but I still felt warm at the thought that he didn’t despise me.

“Would you have ever told me if I didn’t ask?”

Eric exhaled as he stood up and turned towards the bed, “No, probably not. Now go back to sleep,” he ordered as he clicked off the bedside light. I watch the shadow of him move through the dark room to the exit. The door opened and closed and I found myself alone in his bed. All I could think of as I drifted off was that he had let me stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics are from the song On the Scared Side by Black Eyes https://youtu.be/4rKsKAU3fIo


	9. Chapter 9

> who told you love was fleeting?  
> sometimes men can be so misleading  
> to take what they need from you

I had been silent all morning. From check in with the others in the office to the present as I pulled myself into the train car, I hadn’t spoken a word. I said nothing to Eric, only nodding to acknowledge his orders for me to accompany him to Erudite. Now I stood by the open train door, watching the half decayed city whiz past as I focused on ignoring the man behind me.

“I’m getting flashbacks,"Eric commented, surprising me by how close he actually was with his mouth next to my ear. I jumped, turning around and stepping away.

"Flashbacks to what?” I asked hesitantly, as I watched him move closer.

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about the last time we were on the train together,” he prompted with a smirk. I could feel my face change with the realization of what he meant, my cheeks burning with blush at the memory as he wore a smug expression. Moving in closer, he boxed me in along the metal sheeting.

“Have you really forgotten the way you moved against me, grinding your hips into mine as I pinned you against the wall,” He continued, letting his hands rest on my waist. I fought to maintain my composure, gnawing on my inner cheek as he moved in, trying to ignore the feeling of butterflies in my stomach that his touch inspired.

“Or have you forgotten the sounds you made when I came inside of you?” His breath danced across my skin as I felt a clench under my gut at his words. Snapping my eyes shut I turned my head away, trying to avoid his scrutiny and inadvertently opening up my neck to him. He leaned forwards, nipping at the skin over my pulse point before soothing the bites with his tongue while he tugged at my hips, pressing my body into his. My hands rested on his upper arms, trying slightly to push him away as I knew I should when the bell on the ceiling of the cabin rang out, signalling that we were close to the Erudite Compound. Eric gave out an annoyed huff as he abruptly let go of me, moving to the exit. I was still adjusting my shirt when he jumped out of the car and I hurried to keep up.

Eric was silent and cold as I diligently followed behind him into the large, glass covered building. His eyes stayed trained on his phone, crossing the sunlit atrium without looking up. I wondered if Eric knew his way around Erudite better than Dauntless, having grown up here. It always seemed to me that he knew every shortcut through the solider faction’s subterranean base but here it was as if he didn’t even have to think, letting his feet guide him to his destination through muscle memory alone.

Finally pulling his eyes away from the electronic, Eric pushed open the large dark blue door to the main conference room. We were the last to arrive, having to quickly make our way around the edge of the crowded table to the two open seats in the far back.

“Thank you everyone for joining us,” Jeanine began. Scanning the room, I took in the large group. There was about seven or eight of the top officials and leaders from each of the five factions. Most meetings Eric attended there were only one or two representatives, not including assistants like me.

Scooting forward to the edge of my seat I pulled out the tablet from my bag, preparing to take notes for Eric to review later. The moment I turned it on a notification popped up saying I had a new message. I was confused for a second, the only person who really sent me messages was Mae and I knew she was at work right now and unable to chat. Unlocking the screen I opened the note to read what it said. It was from Eric.

I’m going to finger you under the table during the meeting.

Quickly I looked at him, wide eyed and finding him smirking while keeping his attention forward on Jennean as she spoke. Looking back to my electronic I typed a short reply, Don’t, before trying to pay attention to the meeting. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him move, shifting to check his phone.

“And so this new system will be a complete change to the aptitude tests, making them more efficient and failproof. Now to explain more in depth, is the simulation program designer Clifford Smith,” Jeanine gave way, taking a seat as an older, heavyset man in a navy suit and tie took the podium. I tried to focus, but I couldn’t help noticing that Eric, though seated close to me in the packed room, had not followed through with his threat. I couldn’t keep from anxiously bouncing my leg as I sat, poised on the edge of the chair, trying to take down what was being said.

“Hello, as Jeanine said, I am Clifford Smith, an Erudite scientist and the head designer behind the new test,” he spoke in a gravely voice, adjusting his glasses before he clicked a button on the remote he held, the lights immediately dimming as the projection lit up the wall behind him.

“First you must understand is that we have not changed the core of the test,” Smith began, as the information appeared behind him, “What we focused on was the way the tests are scored and recorded.” I nearly jumped out of my skin when Eric’s hand clamped around my knee, squeezing as he held my jittery leg still. I froze at his touch, on edge as I waited for him to move, for his hand to shift, but he remained immobile, his palm cupping my knee. I started to relax, returning my attention to the presentation.

Try as I might, I couldn’t focus. While Eric’s warm grasp rested on my leg I could think of nothing else. I swayed from dreading when he would, to wondering why he hadn’t. I wanted more. I adjusted my leg, moving towards him, leading his hand to slide further up my thigh. I could tell without looking that he was aware of my actions. His fingers started to drag, slowly drawing circles next to the inseam of my pants. I bit my lip, cursing myself as I enjoyed every touch, feeling the excitement he ignited within me on the train starting to bubble. I fought to keep still, knowing how easy it would be for the woman in Abnegation gray next to me to see what he was doing.

Slowly his hand drifted north, his fingers tickling over the fabric covering my legs while moving towards my center. I began to stir in my seat, parting my knees slightly as he neared my apex. I bowed my head, biting my bottom lip hard as his touch finally came to rest over my vulva through my clothes. He pushed his middle and ring fingers flat, massaging though the denim. I took in a sharp breath as he pressed against my lips, completely distracting me from my dictation. I struggled to remain silent while he moved as he pleased in the dark of the room.

With a gasp, I dropped my hand. Trying to be subtle, I slid my arm under the table and grabbed at Eric’s knuckles, pulling his fingers from between my legs. I sighed, hoping this game was done before he twisted his hand, grabbing at my arm in return. Tugging on my wrist he lead my palm to rest on the bulge in his pants. I nearly yelped out loud as I felt his half formed erection underneath the zipper.

I attempted to stay in the present, paying attention to the minute, boring details the speaker was explaining in depth. I tried to listen and ignore my subconscious as it drifted back in memory, reminding me the way his dick under my hand felt when it was between my legs. I tried to think of anything besides the way Eric had felt inside me, stretching my walls to accommodate his size. Dropping my head, I buried my face into my elbow, hoping to hide my flushed expression as my hips jerked involuntarily, searching for friction.

Finally pulling my hand away, I was able to take a deep breath, righting and situating myself before I felt Eric pushing into my personal space, his lips tantalizingly close to my ear as he whispered, “You’re such a good girl.” He paused for a moment, letting his hand drift back to my thigh as his warm breath tickled my skin, “You can pretend you don’t like me but I know the truth.” His fingers squeezed my leg as he spoke, “Your body doesn’t lie.”

A shutter washed over me at his words before he moved, sitting up and clapping his hands with the rest of the room. I was pulled back to reality by the applause while the lights turned on. The presentation was finished, the meeting was over and I hadn’t written down one thing.

“Will you keep still?” Mae demanded, clutching my head.

“I’m sorry but I’m literally trained to avoid people trying to put sharp things in my eyes,” I shot back, as I continued to involuntarily jerk my head away from her attention.

“It’s just eyeliner,” she quipped, “I’m not going to blind you.”

“Yeah, maybe not intentionally!” I countered, though trying to keep my eyelids open as she ran the kohl pencil around the perimeter, along my lashes. I groaned as she switched to the masquera, “Why did you talk me into this again?”

“Because you were being lame and mopey about mr. ‘I never smile and cannot feel happiness so therefore everyone else must suffer, too’,” she explained while she coated my lashes with black goop, pulling a voice as she mocked Eric. “I swear you shut down if he even looks at you, like I’d suggest that you two just bang and kill the sexual tension but you’ve already tried that and it hasn’t worked yet, so I don’t know,” she rambled as she put the masquara away and started looking through her lipsticks.

“Mae,” I snapped, catching her attention. “That’s enough, I thought you were trying to get my mind off of him?” I reminded, raising my eyebrows as I looked at her.

“My bad,” she replied, before pulling out a small cylinder, tugging off the cap and twisting the base, “I think this dark burgundy color will look great on you.”

“So Jason just got off work,” Mae told me, checking her phone as we entered the bar, “He says he’ll be here in a minute and that he’s got exciting news. Hopefully he finally got promoted.”

“I’m still not sure about this outfit,” I hissed to Mae, anxiously tugging on hem of the short, highwaisted skirt I wore. She had paired it with a green and black striped blouse with a large boatneck collar that dipped low in the back, the loose hem tucked into the elastic waistband of the skirt. Mae insisted on the top since it showed off my tattoo. Along with a pair of black, over the knee stockings. I opted for ballet flats, not being comfortable in heels she had tried to talk me into. She had styled my hair into an elegantly disheveled bun, making sure that none of my tattoo was obscured.

“Shut up. You look hot as fuck,” she replied quickly, nudging my arm, “Anyway I spent enough time making you look good, I want everyone to see.” She winked as I followed her to the bar, looking around the room while she held my hand and ordered us drinks. It wasn’t long before I notice a familiar mop of curly dark hair bobbing its way through the crowd towards us.

I moved to greet Jason as he approached but he held his finger up to his lips, stepping closer behind Mae who was still distracted and facing the bar. I chuckled to myself, recognizing his intentions. Just as he reached for her I saw that not only did he have a left hand, it was robotic.

The moment Jason grabbed at her sides Mae let out a yelp, dropping my hand and spinning around instantly to slap him. I could hear the smack of her palm meeting his cheek over the bass of the music.

“Oh my god, babe I’m so sorry!” she shouted, reaching to soothe the growing red spot on his face once she saw who it was.

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied with a laugh, lifting his new hand to touch the back of hers, cupping it against his cheek. She pretty much screamed when she saw his prosthetic. Grabbing at his arm, she brought it closer to study. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched, I felt lighter just being near two of them, almost as if their happiness overflowed into me.

The bartender set down two beers on the counter, gathering her tip before leaving to deal with other patrons. I picked up the glasses and turned towards the couple, “Here,” I interrupted, handing them the over, “You two go find a table, I’ll get another drink.”

Moments later I had my own draft and ventured across the room, finding the pair in a booth. As I approached I notice Jason pointing at something across the room. I was just out of earshot and couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Mae appeared shocked as she craned her head over her shoulder, watching something behind her.

“What you guys looking at?” I asked as I set my glass on the table.

“Nothing!” Mae replied quickly snapping to face me. She linked her arm with mine, scooting further into the booth, pulling me to sit where she had been before I had a chance to look. “Here Jason, show her how your hand works.”

“Oh come on,” I scoffed as I tugged my arm away, “I wanna know who you were making fun of.” I twisted in my seat, turning sideways to look past the back of the booth. I expected to see some cocky, overzealous first year getting his ass handed to him at the pool tables but instead my eyes came to rest on an all too familiar blond. Eric was sitting on a low couch, talking to a friend as he kept his arm draped casually around the waist of the girl in his lap.

I felt a ton of bricks crash inside me at the sight. My hip bumped the table as I shot up, nearly knocking over the drinks. Jason moved to steady the wobbling glasses as Mae reached for my wrist.

“Mott, just ignore him,” she pleaded, trying to pull me to sit back down. I twisted my arm, easily releasing her hand.

“I just, I just need a moment,” I stuttered, holding my palms open in front of me, trying to ignore the overwhelming sunken feeling in my chest, “I’ll be back, I just need a moment.” I turned on my heel, and tried not to run as I rushed to the bathroom, keeping my head down.

I ignored my surroundings as I moved forward. Mae told me later that Eric must’ve had spotted me once I hurried off. Knowing Mae, she most likely made the out scene to be more dramatic than it was, elaborating that he shoved the strange girl from his lap to the floor before instantly leaping up to follow my retreating form.

I stood over the sink in the bathroom, cupping my face as I took deep breaths trying to calm down. I fought the urge to cry, very aware of the thick black makeup surrounding my eyes. The sound of the door opening caught my attention and I spun around find Eric closing it behind him, twisting the lock on the doorknob.

“I like those tights on you,” he began with a smirk, his eyes blatantly trained on my legs.

“Go away,” I snapped, shifting away from him though he ignored me and stepped closer.

“Your tattoo seems to have healed well,” he continued as I felt his finger brushed the skin along my spine, tracing over the black ink, “Do you still want help with ointment?” he teased as he moved the hem of my collar, revealing more of the art. I shivered, feeling the cool air as his fingers continued to outline each of the geometric shapes across my skin.

“I don’t need it anymore,” I responded, cursing my voice as it wavered at his touch ghosting over the triangles on the small of my back.

“You might not need it,” he taunted letting both of his hands cup my waist through the opening of my shirt as he leaned in, “But it sounds like you want it.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather help the blonde I saw you getting cozy with?” I parried turning my head to the side, eyeing him over my shoulder as he merely smirked.

“Why?” he asked, keeping close, “Are you jealous?”

“I never said that,” I retorted, trying to stay away from him though he had my hips pinned against the sink.

“I think you are,” he teased, running his nose along the brim of my ear, “What are you going to do, cry to Rachel about it?”

I faltered slightly at the mention of her, balling my fist before I hissed, “You’ll be happy to know she isn’t talking to me right now, and hasn’t been for a while.” I used my elbow to push his chest away from my back, quickly leaving through the door. I crossed the bar with intent, aiming for the exit as I cut my way through the crowd.

The sound of my footsteps echoed off the stone wall of the hallway as I continued, paying no mind to where I was going as long as the thumping of the bass from the bar was behind me. I knew Eric was following. I could hear his steady stride as he easily kept pace, tailing me around each bend until I finally stopped to face him. I crossed my arms and didn’t say a word as I watched his bemused expression.

“Did you ever question that maybe I meant for you to spot me?” he asked, standing a short distance away. “I wanted to see you mad at me,” he inched closer, raising his arm to gently run his thumb along my jawbone. “I wanted to see you jealous.”

I struggled to stay still, hiding the way I shivered at just his touch while I kept my eyes forward, staring at his chin. I should’ve known that Eric was just playing with me. Everything went according to his plan, as it always does.

“So what? You just decided for fun tonight you’d toy with me?” I snapped, slightly embarrassed by his attention as I kept my arms folded tight against me.

“It’s not something I planned, but when I saw your friends I knew you wouldn’t be far behind,” he explained with a grin as his grip on my chin tightened, forcing me to look at his self satisfied smirk, “Besides, it’s nothing you haven’t done before.”

“What are you jealous?” I sneered as he loomed over me, holding my gaze.

“Yes,” he affirmed simply, his fingers digging into my jaw, “Because the only person who should be fucking you is me.”

“I don’t think that decision is yours to make,” I spat, watching as his eyes clouded with anger, mirroring my own feelings.

Swiftly he turned, capturing me against the cold stone wall, his hands on either side of my head, bracing himself over me, countering in a low voice, “But I do.”

I pursed my lips and scowled, waiting for him to make his next move, I knew this was an argument he would never let me win. We stood still, challenging the other to with our eyes to do something. I had played this game with Eric enough that it was getting old. Though I could feel the tingling urge he inspired in me beginning to spark, the urge that almost always drew me to act impulsively around him, I had my patience gathered so tonight he’d be the first to fold.

With an almost feral growl Eric dove forward, crashing his lips into mine. Instinctively I reached up, grabbing at his shoulders, balling the cotton of his shirt in my fists. He continued to bite and suck at my lips with an angry hunger that slowly bled into me while he clamped his hands around my wrists, slamming my arms against the stone wall as he pressed himself into me, leaving no space between us. Immobilized from the waist up by his vice like grip, I shifted my hips, gasping as I felt the bulge in his pants.

He moved his tongue past my teeth without invitation, exploring the warm cavity of my mouth. I pushed back with my tongue, wrestling with him as I unconsciously raised my leg around his thigh, my skirt riding up as I shifted, trying to better angle my hips against his. My mind felt foggy. I barely noticed my surroundings as I focused on Eric and what he was doing. Releasing my one of my arms, he dropped his hand to tug at my leg, lifting so my knee linked around his waist. Standing on the tiptoes of one foot, I was barely supporting myself as he held me to the wall.

Letting go of my other arm, he pulled both of my knees secure around him. I shivered at the feeling of his cold hands as they slid up my thigh, tickling the exposed skin above my stockings. With my arms free I reached for him. Wrapping my elbows around his neck I dug my nails into his shoulder blades through his shirt as he rocked against me, pushing me harder into the cool stone wall. He gripped at the soft flesh of my bottom as he broke the kiss, dropping his head to bite at the skin on my neck.

“Eric,” I hissed as I drew myself against him, feeling his fingers drifting closer to my center. He teased his middle finger against my damp underwear before drawing back. Leaning away he lowered my legs, keeping his palms on my waist as I found my balance and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Unless you want to give the guy monitoring the security footage an eyeful,” he began, jerking his head back to gesture at the small dome on the ceiling that housed the camera, identical to every other one found throughout the compound. “We’re going back to your apartment so I can fuck you until you forget her name,” he hissed, catching my attention.

Eric insisted that I lead the way, walking in front of him so he could watch my ass, which he explicitly stated. I fumbled as I tried to unlock the door, more aware of him behind me than of what I was doing with my hands. Once the lock click and I twisted the knob he immediately moved forward, pushing me into my apartment from behind.

My breathing hitched as he slid his arms under the thin fabric of my shirt through the wide opening in the back, grasping my breasts from behind. I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he squeezed my tits, capturing my nipples between the first knuckles of his index and middle fingers. I moaned, rolling my hips back as he pinched, digging his fingers into my breast while lifting them, kneading the soft tissue as I melted into his touch.

“Get undressed,” he ordered before he shoved me onto the mattress. I rolled over, shooting him a sour look while I kicked off my shoes and reached to the top of my stockings, preparing to roll them down my legs.

“No,” Eric snapped, watching me with a hungry stare as I sat on the bed beneath him. “Everything but the tights.” I slid my hands up my legs, across my hips moving at a tantalizing slow pace before hooking my thumbs over the elastic waistband of my skirt. I stood, steadily pushing the fabric down past my hips and knees, kicking the skirt away once it had dropped to my ankles. Now standing before Eric I crossed my arms, grabbing at the loose hem of my blouse. In a single, swift movement I brought the thin fabric over my head, tossing it to the side so I stood in front of him in just my underwear.

I could hear his groan whether he wanted me to or not. He stood before me stoic and studying my figure as I slowly slid my palms down my sides, catching the waist of my panties on my fingers, pushing them down past my thighs to the floor.

“I’m going to make you come harder than you ever have before,” Eric growled the promise in my ear as he stepped closer, grabbing my bare hips and guiding me onto the bed.

“Harder than Rachel did when she went down on me?” I teased brazenly, watching him pull his shirt off. He looked livid as he crawled forward, hovering above me. He bowed his head, taking my nipple between his lips. I couldn’t help but moan, arching into him before he bit down on the tender skin without warning. I yelped, my hand immediately flying to his head, tugging at his hair. Effortlessly grabbing my wrists, he pinned my hands to the mattress as he tugged with his teeth. “That hurts,” I whined before he released my nipple.

“Good,” Eric stated as he raised his head lifting one hand, gently running his middle and ring fingers along my bottom lip before pushing them into my mouth. I was caught off guard at first but was quick to respond, pursing my lips and sucking on his digits. He smirked as he pulled his fingers out, letting the slime of my spit trail along my skin as he moved his hand languidly down my abdomen, resting his hand so it cupped my vulva while he massaged my lips. I moaned at the feeling of his wet fingers between my folds as he touched everything but my clit. Unconsciously I shifted my hips, trying to force his hand over the bud of nerves.

I could feel the smile on his lips as he leaned forward, biting at the skin of my collarbone before he finally gave in. He drew slow, lazy circles around my clit with his middle finger as my body wiggled, craving more. He continued to bite and suck at my neck, most likely leaving a forest of bruises as he pushed his hand down, letting the two slick fingers dive into me.

“Eric,” I gasped as he moved his fist back and forth at a strong, steady pace, knuckles curled so his fingertips pressed against the perfect spot along my inner wall. I rolled my head back, my eyes shut tight as I lost my thoughts, my mind focused on nothing but the current stimuli and the man causing it. Eric shifted his hand, raising his thumb and placing it so the whole pad of the finger rested on my clit before he pressed down. I could feel the coil of heat under my stomach tighten as he teased. Balling the sheets in my fists, I arched my back, pushing into his grip trying to find my end with his fingers. I bent my knees, bring my legs up, attempting to find purchase as he abruptly pulled away.

“What-?” I asked, my head snapping up to find him climbing backwards so he stood by the edge of the bed, looking down at me as he sucked on his fingers, cleaning my juices off them. I bit my lip as I watched him, eyeing his well toned torso. My gaze drifted south from his pecs to his abs to the wonderful V of his hips, the point of it hidden under his jeans. Mindlessly I shifted my hand, letting my fingers drop between my legs, picking up where he had stopped.

He quickly grabbed my wrist, lifting my arm away from my center as he made a scolding 'tsk’ noise with his tongue. “Only I get to make you come tonight,” Eric declared as he dropped my arm to the side, returning it to where it had been. “I want you to be the good girl I know you can be, and keep your palms flat on the bed,” he ordered as he straightened, “Don’t move.”

My cheeks flushed, slightly humiliated by his condescending tone and my exposed position, my knees bent and open so I was completely visible to him. I tried to remain still, keeping my legs up despite the slippery material of the stockings precariously close to sliding off the bed linens.

I waited as Eric took his time undoing his belt buckle, watching me with a smug, self satisfied expression. My calves began to tremble, fighting to keep my heels in place while my clit ached, yearning to be touched again. He bit his lip and dropped his trousers, idly stroking at his now freed erection as he kicked his pants away.

“I like it when you do as I say,” he mused, slowly kneeling to settle between my thighs as he ran his hand across the silk that covered my legs. He pulled at my thighs, leading my legs to wrap around his waist as he began to line himself up, probing at my sensitive center with the head of his dick.

“Please,” I whined, shifting my hips against him as I kept my hands flat on the bed, reveling in the feeling of him as it bumping against my clit.

“Only because you asked so nicely,” he chided in a patronizing tone before he aligned himself with my hole, sinking into me with a single hard thrust. I whimpered as my head dropped back. The sudden intrusion was painful. Before now he taken it slow, giving me time to adjust, but tonight it was obvious he had no patience.

My eyes watered as he continued pulled back and drove into me, each collision eliciting a small cry from my throat. I was lost in the moment as Eric stopped, slapping the side of my leg to get my attention.

“Lift your ass,” he ordered as he reached over me, grabbing one of the pillows. I did what he said, pushing my hips in the air as he tucked the cushion underneath me. Leaning forward he guided himself, eagerly sinking back into me. I couldn’t help but gasp, the miniscule change in angle made a world of difference. Suddenly his head was prodding at my g-spot harder than his fingers had. I couldn’t help but grab at his shoulder as he dropped to his elbows, capturing my lips while still keeping a rapid pace. I could feel the tension building up in my belly again, I was close to a breaking point as I tightened my legs around his hips, trying to pull him closer.

I could feel his shallow breaths against the shell of my ear as he shifted. “Did Rachel ram you like this?” he asked with a hard shove.

“Well,” I began, my voice hitching as he moved, “She doesn’t have a dick, so no, not really.” I replied, fully aware of how my response would annoy him. He dug his fingers into my skin, leaning back as he pulled my legs forward, bring my knees to rest on his shoulders rather than his hips.

I mewled as I reached up, clawing where I could grab along his ribs but he leaned forward pushing on my legs beyond their limit as he moved his hips, straining my hamstrings. I tried to shove him back, hoping to relive some of the new stress and tension on my thighs but he snapped my wrists back to the bed, holding me down while he forced his hips against mine.

“I said keep your hands down,” he reiterated with a growl, continuing to jerk his hips though I was only half paying attention. Despite the discomfort, I could still feel myself rapidly being pushed closer to the edge every time he moved against me. He turned his head biting at the bit of skin on my leg closest to his mouth while he let his hand drift back to my center, thumbing at my clit.

I came hard, grabbing the sheets underneath me as I threw my head back, yelling while my inner walls spasmed around his dick and he continued to drive into me. The feeling of his unrelenting rhythm was overwhelming as I shuddered from my orgasm, the waves of bliss pulsing throughout my body. My insides continuing to fluttered around Eric’s length, urging him towards his own end.

“Fuck,” he hissed as he pulled back, letting my legs relax, falling to either side of him as I went limp and he stroked himself. His hips jerked as he came, the thick white fluid dropping onto my skin in ribbons.

He slumped forward, bracing himself above me with one arm resting next to my head, continuing to grasp his dick with the other hand. His head hung forward and I could see him studying my breast as they rose and fell with every deep, panting breath. He dipped his face, taking one of my nipples between his lips and pulled. I squirmed underneath him, whining and pushing back as he continued to play with my overly sensitive skin.

He finally yielded, releasing my breast as he rested back on his haunches, my knees still spread wide and bent over his thighs. I felt self conscious under his scrutiny as he smirked. I watched the way his muscles moved while he inhaled deeply, studying me.

“You look cute like that,” he began, speaking with a hungry growl, his voice deep with lust as he eyed my form with pride, “With my cum spilled all over you.” I turned my head away, blushing at his crass observation. “Go wash up,” he ordered, slapping my leg as he rolled to the side, lying on his back.

I groaned as I stood up, my hips and thighs sore from his treatment. Gingerly I walked to the bathroom where I wetted a towel and mopped up the remnants of him from my belly and in between my legs. I could hear Eric moving around through the open door and when I returned to the bed I found him under the blankets with his eyes closed, already half asleep.

“Hey,” I snapped as I climbed onto the mattress, slapping his exposed chest. “Get up, you can’t sleep here.” Without opening his eyes he grabbed my arm before I could hit him again. Giving a hard tug, he pulled me forward onto his chest.

“I sleep where I want,” he asserted, wrapping me in a strong embrace so I couldn’t move. I fidgeted, trying to escape his clutches but soon realized my attempts were futile. I eventually closed my eyes and tried to rest, fooling myself into believing this was just Eric’s way of cuddling after sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics at the beginning are from the song Gentleman Caller by Cursive https://youtu.be/wtyXvJHYXXs


	10. Chapter 10

> this is the  
> end of us  
> sleeping with the  
> moon and the stars

Laying in the warm grass of late spring, I stared into Layla’s comforting, brown eyes. After a week of heavy rain it was as if all the plants had suddenly woken up. The sun rose this morning and the world was green. We laid on our sides under the willow tree, listening to the breeze as it pushed the branches to and fro.

Hesitantly, Layla rolled forward, bring her face slowly towards mine. I closed my eyes as our lips made contact. I hummed at the soft feeling of her against me, eagerly parting my lips to deepen the kiss. I could feel the tickle of her hand as her long, slender fingers traveled up my inner thigh. The thin fabric of my dress gathered as she moved her palm to cup my center. She pulled away with a smirk while using her fingers to tease at my folds. I was so excited by her touch I didn’t even find it weird that I had no underwear on. She bit her lip while I moved, laying on my back and moaning as her middle finger circled my clit.

She kissed at my collar bone as I slid my knees apart, aiding her access before she adjusted her position, climbing to rest between my legs. I stared down my abdomen to her warm brown eyes before they disappeared from my line of vision so all I could see was her head of curls. I could feel her pulling my lips apart before kissing my bud of nerves.

Sliding her fingers around my center, she teased at my hole before plunging two digits inside me. Her fingers felt unexpectedly thick and round as they moved back and forth, stroking along my inner walls. I rolled my head back, moaning as my hips jerked towards her. I could feel her smile as she pressed harder against me, striving to bring me to my end. I attempted to keep quiet as she played with me, stimulating every sensitive bit I had with her hands, mouth and tongue. I was dumbfounded at her skills and ministrations, coming hard around her fingers as she continued to suck on my clit.

With a sudden jolt, I woke.

I snapped my head up, confused by the familiar surroundings of my apartment. I looked down my middle and found myself staring into a pair of very familiar, steel gray eyes. Eric rose from between my legs wiping at his smirk with the back of his hand, cleaning my juices from his mouth. I couldn’t help but pant as I dropped my head back onto the pillow. I laid there naked before him, still coming down from my orgasm. I studied Eric, my brow furrowing when I noticed his loose, wet hair.

“What?” he questioned, spying my change in expression.

“Did you take a shower?” I asked idly, still not completely present cognitively.

“Yes. Is that a problem?” he answered, his piercings moving as he quirked his eyebrow. He climbed off the mattress from between my legs and grabbed at his pants.

“No,” I replied calmly, watching the way he moved as he pulled the trousers up around his hips, “I just didn’t know you had curly hair.”

He scowled at me slightly, running his hand over his head to push his damp, short blond curls back before his expression calmed, his gaze drifting across my relaxed nude form on the bed. I was sure he was beyond pleased with himself knowing that my lack of energy and reluctance to move was a direct result of his previous actions.

“Don’t be late for work,” he stated, looking away, finishing getting dressed and hurrying out the door before I was able to really respond.

After a long day of sorting paper work I was more than relieved to return to my apartment and take a hot shower.

Eric had been at his worst all day. It was never anything outright or obviously antagonizing, nothing anyone else would pick up on. Whenever he happened to catch my eye from across the room, he would lick his lips. It came off as a quirk, but by the way he stared, I knew he was thinking about the wake-up call he gave me this morning. Blushing, I turned away as he lowered his eyes from over the shoulder of the person he was conferring with, returning to hovering above his desk and examining their intel on the factionless’ movements.

All day my hips felt stiff and aching. Alexander walked into the office just as I was gathering my stuff to leave. Rising from my seat I let out a small groan of pain as he passed.

“Jeez Mott, you sound as sore as an initiate,” he teased as I moved gingerly to bend over and grab my bag.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been moving slower today,” Eric stated without looking away from the monitor, carrying off what Alexander had said. “Are you injured?”

“No sir,” I turned to face Eric as he rose from his seat. “I just pushed myself too hard in the gym last night, sir,” I explained through clenched teeth and a strained smile.

“You should stretch more,” he suggested as he rounded the desk to join Alexander.

“I’ll remember that, sir,” I replied with a slight nod of my head, “I’ll see you both tomorrow.” Quickly, I moved to the exit before either could continue.

Shutting the apartment door, I double checked the locks, not wanting any unexpected visitors, before stripping as I crossed to the small bathroom. Cranking the right knob, I let the water heat up before stepping into the steam. I could feel the tension wash from my muscles as I stood under the steady stream and relaxed. I stayed still until my skin was a bright red before I began to clean myself.

Climbing out of the shower I felt content and at ease. Reaching for my towel I closed my eyes and began to hum. “Sentry duty, midnight to morn,” I sang quietly to myself as I dried my arms and legs, “Why oh, why was I ever born?” I crossed to my closet while squeezing the last of of the water from my hair. “In the snow I pace keeping guard.” Picking up a random over-sized black shirt I pulled it on before wrapping my hair in the towel and pulling on some shorts. “A soldier’s life is weary and hard,” I finished as I plopped onto the futon and reached for the remote.

Though I tried to focus on the program I was watching, my mind continued to drift. I wanted to avoid thinking about anything, so I rose from my seat to retrieve the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. Once I had settled in again with a full glass there was a knock at the door.

I considered not answering, pretending I’m not home, but then realized they could probably hear the TV. With a groan I stood up and unlatched the lock, prepared to tell Mae I just wanted to be alone right now. My face fell when I looked up to find Rachel on the other side of the threshold. I didn’t say anything as I gazed at her, debating in my mind if I should just shut the door or not.

“Can we talk?” she asked, her brow pinching together as she pursed her lips.

“Ok,” I replied in a curt tone, making no motion to let her into my apartment.

“Listen, I’m really sorry,” she began once she realized I intended to have this discussion in the doorway. “What I did was really shitty.” She slid her hands into her pockets before continuing, “I was drunk and jealous. I really liked you and I do,  _still_ really like you. But I thought you liked me, and not Eric.” She shrugged before sighing, “That doesn’t excuse what I did, though, and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never want to do that again.”

I gnawed on my lip as I watched her, going over what she said in my mind. The first thing that occurred to me, was that I could not imagine Eric ever doing something like this. Eric would never apologize for anything.

Shifting my _w_ eight from one foot to the other I stepped back slightly, pulling the door further open. “I’m just hanging out watching TV, want to join me?” I offered, as she smiled.

Rachel settled onto the couch as I poured a second glass of whiskey before sitting down next her. Watching the show, I sipped at my drink as she slowly drifted closer. My glass was almost empty as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“It’s not-,” I began before cutting myself off. I wanted to tell her the truth but I didn’t know if she’d understand. “It’s not that I like Eric,” I mumbled, looking to the cup in my hand as she tilted her head up. “I can’t say no to him. It’s hard just being around him.” My chest felt tight with the admission.

Rachel was silent for a moment until I felt her fingers sliding up my cheek, reaching across and turning my face to hers. Leaning in, she pressed her lips against mine. I returned the kiss, my open hand moving to rest on her elbow as I heard the bolt of the lock click and the door began to open. Tearing myself away, my eyes snapped to the door confused as who it could be. Other than me, only Mae had a key to my apartment.

A moment later I was greeted to an all too familiar blond standing in the doorway, his hulking form dominating the frame. For a split second, no one spoke while Eric took in the tableau before him of Rachel and I curled together on my couch, drinking.

“What is this snake doing here?” Eric sneered as his face wrinkled like he could smell something foul.

“I was about to ask the same thing,” Rachel quipped, standing up. Though she was shorter than me, and almost comically smaller than Eric, she still looked ferocious with her balled, tattooed fists at her side. I could almost see the sparks of hatred flickering between their eyes.

“Big words coming from a small girl,” Eric replied, crossing his arms and looking almost amused at the thought of Rachel challenging him

“Just fuck off, alright? No one wants you here,” she snapped as I brought my hands to my face, questioning everything that had lead me to find myself in this position.

“I don’t think that’s your decision to make. Is it, Mott?” Eric turned to look at me, while I still sat on the couch, wishing that this wasn’t happening.

“Right now, I don’t want either of you here,” I murmured before finding my voice as I stood up. “Please, just get out.”

“You heard her,” Rachel agreed, giving Eric a smug grin as she stood with her arms akimbo.

“No,” I barked, growing annoyed with their petty behavior, “I want both of you gone, now!”

Rachel looked like awounded dog as she turned to me. “Fine, if that’s what you want,” she spoke quietly before storming through the door, roughly checking Eric with her shoulder as she passed.

“Well?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at Eric, “That means you, too.”

“You’re wearing my shirt,” he noted, refusing to move an inch as I looked down. I had on a plain black shirt that was indistinguishable from the hundreds of other Dauntless black shirts. The only clue that it was not intended for me was the fact that it hung from my shoulders like a tent.

“So?” I continued to glare as him as he st **ep** ped closer, keeping his arms crossed.

“I would like it back.”

“I’ll return it tomorrow morning,” I counted, standing my ground.

“I want it now.”

“Fine!” I snapped, grabbing at the hem and yanking the cotton fabric over my head. I stood in front of him bare-chested, watching the way he smirked as I balled the garment up in my hands and chucked it out the door and into the hallway, “Go get it.” With a click of his tongue and a bemused smirk he turned around and walked over the threshold before I slammed the door behind him.

The next morning in the office, I stood in line with Alexander and Rodney, listening to Eric’s orders while also trying to ignore him. No one was surprised when Eric delegated me to menial office work before sending the boys away.

Once he dismissed the others, I relaxed, starting across the room to pick up where I’d left off theday before. As I passed his desk, Eric stepped forward and grabbed my elbow. I snapped my head to the side, and returned his glowering stare.

“What were you doing with her?” he hissed, pulling me forward so my shoulder bumped against his chest.

I fought to keep my expression flat before I replied. “She came over to apologize for hurting me, but I’m sure that’s a foreign concept to you,” I spat, frowning as I looked him over and tried to tug my arm away.

He continued to hold me in his vice like grip, dragging me against him as his opposite hand slithered onto my hip, squaring my back along his chest. “I have nothing to apologize for,” he spoke directly into my ear, letting his lips tease along the outer ridge of my cartilage.

“I’m sure you think that,” I responded, trying to jerk my arm away, but he continued to keep me pressed against him.

Eric was his usual aggressive self and responded without words, shifting to push my hips on the edge of his desk.

“Let me go,” I grumbled as I wiggled, making the futile attempt to get away from him, but I could feel the direct effect I had instead pressing against my backside.

“No,” he growled in my ear, “I’m never letting you go.”

I continued fighting to get away as he began to nip and kiss along my pulse point. I shuddered in response and struggled in spite of his attention at first, though soon I melted into him, my hips rolling against his involuntarily. Biting my lip, I held down a moan as his grip on my hip slid forward, undoing the button of my jeans.

“You’re mine,” he snarled as his hand sank behind my waistband, his fingers curling around my vulva, teasing at my lips as my head dropped back in response. “This is mine.”

I groaned as he let go of my elbow, pushing me forward so I was leaning over his desk, bracing myself with my arms. Shifting his grip, he pulled my pants down before releasing his own fly. Holding the shaft, he rubbed the head of his dick against my clit before inching upwards. Pushing his hips forward, he sank into me. He placed one palm on the desk next to my shoulder, the other resting on my waist as he started to rock back and forth. Eric picked up his pace, snapping his hips into me as he growled next to my ear.

Then his phone began to ring, rattling on the table as it vibrated. Eric would probably have ignored the call if it was anyone other than Max. Still buried inside me, he lifted a hand to answer the phone, putting it on speaker.

“Yes, sir?” Eric huffed as I brought a hand to my mouth to try and stifle my heavy breathing so it wouldn’t be picked up by the mic while Eric continued to thrust at a measured speed, keeping quiet.

“Send Mott to my office,” Max ordered over the phone. I didn’t need to look to see Eric rolling his eyes before he dragged himself back, almost pulling out.

“Yes, sir. She’ll be there in twenty minutes,” he replied, fighting to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Now.” Eric was silent as he jerked his hips forward, pushing deeper into me than he had before.

“Yes, sir.” He gritted his teeth as he spoke, obviously displeased when he slammed his finger on the end call button before punching his fist into the desk next to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the beginning are from Me and Your Mama by Childish Gambino https://youtu.be/_hZCsgcKa-g


	11. Chapter 11

> my body is a cage  
> that keeps me from dancing  
> with the one i love  
> but my mind holds the key  
> to set my spirit free

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my rapidly beating heart before lifting my fist to knock on the wood of Max’s door. Part of me wished I was still bent over Eric’s desk, that he had been given the extra time to finish. At the same moment, I was happy to have the undeniable excuse to get away from him.

Hearing Max’s voice beckon me forward, I hesitantly twisted the handle and stepped across the threshold. Looking up I saw the head faction leader sitting behind his desk with his hands clasped in front of him, wearing an oddly patient expression. Max was a stern man, which was more than expected from the head of the warrior faction, but now his features looked uncharacteristically soft. He looked older without his scowl.

“Mott, please take a seat,” he suggested with a gesture to the open chair across from him. Stepping forward, I finally noticed who occupied the matching chair next to it. Rachel gave me a sympathetic look over her shoulder as I sat down.

“What’s going on?” I questioned, hesitantly looking between the two of them.

Max took a deep sigh before he began, “Miss Dios has brought it to my attention,” he paused, searching for the right words, “Probable reason to question the nature of your relationship with Mr. Coulter.” Max was stiff as he spoke, obviously uncomfortable with the subject at hand. It was well known that Eric had been his protégé, hand selected and groomed for his position.

“What did you tell him?” I quickly asked, snapping my head to look at Rachel next to me.

“Rachel, would you please give Mott and I a moment alone?” Max abruptly interjected before she could respond. With a curt nod, Rachel pursed her lips and stood, leaving the room.

“Listen, manipulation and abuse of power are two offenses that are taken very seriously here in Dauntless,” Max stated, his patience running thin. “Any claim that is brought to my attention, especially of such a high ranking official, will be investigated thoroughly.” I nodded in response, scared to speak. “Tomorrow morning you will go to Candor and be questioned while under the truth serum. Your testimony will decided how we will move forward with the investigation so that the appropriate actions are taken.”

I was silent for a moment, gnawing on my lip as I processed the information Max had given me.

“What kind of actions?” I questioned, my voice meek, still trying to understand what exactly was happening.

“Whatever is appropriate. Depending on the evidence gathered, a punishment equal to his transgression will be decided. It could be anything from notable suspension without pay, to being exiled from the faction.”

I didn’t respond as I looked at him, still letting the reality of the situation sink in.

“Be at Candor tomorrow morning, your interview is scheduled for nine o'clock,” Max sighed giving an obvious dismissal with a wave of his hand. Turning in his chair, he officially ended the uncomfortable meeting.

I was stuck in my seat, still squinting at Max, letting the severity of the circumstances sink in. I was slightly mortified and confused at how it had ever gotten this far. When he didn’t say any more, I shifted to stand, heading for the door. “Also,” he spoke quickly, grabbing my attention. I glanced over my shoulder to acknowledge him. “Eric is barred from speaking or interacting with you until the investigation is over. If he makes any attempt to contact you, tell me immediately.”

“Yes, sir,” I replied before shutting the door behind me.

Returning to my apartment, I felt downtrodden. Suddenly I was questioned every action and emotion from the past few month. Was any of it genuine?

I had barely kicked off my boots when there was a knock at my door. I hesitated for a moment but ultimately crossed the room to answer.

“Hey,” Mae greeted with a lopsided expression that suggested she was going to ask me what was going on although she already knew. “How you doing? What’s up?”

I inhaled through my nose quickly debating how much I wanted to divulge. “It’s been quite a day,” I finally mumbled looking down to my socks.

“Listen, I heard what’s happened through the grapevine and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she admitted, lifting her hand to rest on my shoulder. I smiled to myself, comforted by the small gesture, knowing that Mae had an aversion to physical contact and outward displays of affection. “I’m here if you need to talk, or if you need a distraction.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, looking up to meet her gaze, “I just want to be alone right now.”

“I understand.” Mae nodded as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Listen, so I was just in The Pit and Eric came up to me,” she began as she turned to look for something in her satchel, “He said he couldn’t talk to you directly, but he asked me to give you this.” She brandished a manila folder, indistinguishable from the hundreds I had sorted through on the floor of Eric’s office.

“Thanks,” I replied taking the folder, “I’ll talk to you later.” She gave a weak smile before we exchanged farewells.

Studying the folder in one hand, I toyed with my phone in the other, hesitating to call Max. Eventually my curiosity won over and I discarded the phone to the couch as I sat down on the bed to study the file.

Idly, I flipped open the cover, taking note of the date, September 8th, written on the tab. Almost immediately I recognized the form used to report insubordination. I tried to focus, fighting my impulse to gloss over the details and quickly file it away as I had been doing for days on end for work. I skimmed the page, hurrying to the summary of the incident. It wasn’t until I was a few lines in that I recognized the handwriting. Skipping to the last page, I checked to see who had made the report and my suspicions were confirmed.

_While doing rounds I over heard voices below the wall. I descended the ladder to find Drew Douglas with four Factionless. Before they realized I was there, I could hear him agreeing to let them go free. They were feeding him a story about them being too hungry and weak to do any harm. I immediately exposed myself, ordering everyone to their knees at gunpoint. There were two elderly and two under thirty. Only the young woman resisted arrest, but I was able easily to subdue and restrain her. They insisted they were peaceful and just trying to gather food. I brought them to Dauntless so they could face trial in Candor._ Rachel had written, recounting the events.

I didn’t want to look at the rest of the record, at the list of those taken into custody. I didn’t want to know what name I would find, but I couldn’t help myself.

1\. Schwartz, Joshua  
2\. Schwartz, Maria (D)  
3\. Mencher, Jeremiah  
4\. Baker, Layla (D)

A sob escaped my throat as I collapsed forward at the confirmation. My body shuddered as I was wracked with emotions. I couldn’t accept it. I fought my imagination as the image of Layla fighting Rachel for her life danced across my eyelids. I moaned and wailed into the bedding letting out every drop of remorse and sadness pent up inside of me. I had nothing anymore and I was trapped here as myself with no foreseeable escape. I laid there weeping until I eventually fell asleep.

I stood with my neck craned back, my chin tilted upwards as I took in the stars. I could see some of the major constellations, instantly spotting Cassiopeia, which Layla had originally shown me.

My eyes followed the tail of Ursa Major to the North Star as I felt a pair of slender fingers come to rest on my cheeks. I thought only of Layla as they tugged my face downwards. I slid my arms around her middle, resting one hand along her spine.

I looked at Rachel, considering her for a moment before her eyes fluttered shut and she leaned towards me, our lips connecting. She felt soft as fresh linen and I couldn’t pull myself away. Instead I gave in, opening my mouth and allowing her access.

Rachel’s tongue wrestled with mine while her arms wrapped around my center, bringing me closer as she moaned. I could feel a spark within me at the sound of her excitement. Shifting my palms, I let my hands hold her waist.

As I pressed myself into her I felt someone else drag me against them from behind. My shoulder blades brushed against a muscular chest as I jerked my head to the side, looking over my shoulder. Without warning Eric leaned forward, biting my bottom lip as he pushed his dick into me.

I groaned at the unannounced intrusion before Rachel’s lilith fingers drifted to my breasts. Teasingly, she rubbed my nipples and bit at my throat while Eric slapped his hips against mine, still tugging at my lips. I felt like butter melting between them, reveling in the simultaneous onslaught of stimulation. The familiar fire in my belly began to boil over. With each of his thrusts I felt myself being pushed closer to the edge.

That is until Eric wrapped his elbow around my neck, compressing my trachea and yanking me away from Rachel. I could feel her response instantly. Her nails dug into my ribs, tugging me towards her. Her fingertips were like knife blades as they curled into my sides, urging my body forward as Eric’s grip choked, holding me back.

I awoke in the same crumpled position, awkwardly bent over the file, bits of the paper crushed under my body weight. I rubbed my eyes as I rose, the remnants of my dream fading away by the moment I looked at the alarm clock.

The glowing lights of the clockface said I had twenty minutes to get down to the tracks.

I mused my hair, combing it with my fingers before gathering the folder and leaving. I had fallen asleep in my clothes but doubted anyone would notice.

Exiting the compound, I approached the the train yard and was confronted by Rachel. She stood next to the steel bars kicking up dirt. It was obvious she was idling until I arrived.

“What do you want?” I barked as I approached, making the impulsive choice to speak first.

“What?” she replied taken aback, “I was thinking I’d go with you to Candor, be there to help you.”

“I don’t want you,” I snapped, standing a fair distance away with my arms to my side.

“What?” she reiterated, taking a step closer as I backed up in response.

“You-,” I stuttered before pulling out the incriminating folder and tossing it to the gravel in front of her. “It’s because of you Layla’s gone,” I sobbed as she lifted one of the scattered pages, recognizing the report she’d filled. She only had to study the sheet for a moment before her eyes rose to meet my gaze.

“She was divergent. I was doing my job,” Rachel stated with an icy tone. “She got what was coming.  _She was divergent._ ”

Shaking my head I fought her gaze as I heard the rattle of the oncoming train barreling closer. Taking two strides forward, I lifted my arm and reared my elbow back as I balled my fist. I swung before she could defend herself. My knuckles connected square with the center of her face. I could feel the the bridge of her nose crack as I struck her. Stumbling back Rachel brought her hand to cup her wounded nose, blood already spilling forth.

“Please never speak to me again,” I spat at her in the most acidic voice I could muster before running to catch the passing train car.

Arriving in Candor I was greeted at the door by a short woman in a white blouse paired with a sleek, black pencil skirt. My boots squeaked on the tiles as her stiletto heels clicked, leading the way. I followed her through the dizzying, maze-like corridors wondering how anyone here found their way around, though my guide would probably feel the same way about the tunnels under Dauntless.

She nodded to the receptionist as we entered the familiar lobby. Instead of being told to sit and wait, she escorted me to an oak door on the left. Twisting the knob, the guide opened the door, stepping to the side before gesturing for me to enter.

The room was rectangular and wide. The threshold where I stood was in the middle of the long wall. The space was decorated in black and white, as expected of Candor. The perimeter of the room was coated in overflowing bookshelves masking the walls. Looking to my right I saw a dark stained wooden conference table where five people sat. I recognized Eric, Max and Tiana, another Dauntless leader. Next to them where two women whose faces I didn’t know, but I could tell by their black and blue ensembles they were Candor and Erudite respectively.

“Hello, Mott. I’m Cynthia,” a woman spoke, directing my attention to the opposite half of the room where two barcelona-style seats sat facing each other on top of an oval area run. Between the chairs was a side table bearing a single glass of water on a circular silver tray. “Please, would you come take a seat?” Cynthia suggested in a kind voice, lightly touching my elbow and leading me to the leather chair before settling herself opposite me. Sitting upright, she cupped her hands in her lap, resting her arms along the white, polyester fabric of her skirt.

“You understand you are here for questioning,” she started, reciting from a memorized script. “You, yourself are not under any investigation and this interview is purely to gather your uninhibited testimony. Do you understand and agree to comply?”

I swallowed hard and nodded, watching as her eyebrows quirked upwards before I realized she needed verbal confirmation. “Yes. Yes, I do,” I choked out, nervous under the scrutiny of the witnesses.

Pivoting in her seat, the Candor woman slid the silver tray holding the glass an inch closer to me. Taking the hint I lifted the cup to my lips and tilted my head back, tossing the clear liquid over my tongue and down my throat. The serum was thick and viscous, like swallowing a slug or jelly. I made a slight face at the sensation before an even calm washed over me.

I felt like my head was empty. I could no longer hear the nagging voices that second guessed every choice I made. Not dissimilar to being drunk, I felt absolutely no hesitancy or resistance. Though my thoughts were still clear, free from the distoristored equilibrium that usually accompanies inebriation, my filter was gone.

Setting down the glass, I looked up to the interviewer.

“What’s your name?” Cynthia asked with a kind smile. Once she spoke I was attracted to her like a magnet, aware of nothing else around me. Watching her through the tunnel vision, all I could focus on was her and the question.

“Mott Malus Noone,” I replied without delay.

“That’s an interesting name. Who gave it to you?” she commented in a light, conversational tone, adjusting slightly to sit back in her chair. I mimicked her composure and relaxed into the cushion of my seat.

“My dad did. He loved apples. He called me the apple of his eye before he died.” I rarely discussed my father or his death, and on the sparse occasions I did I always spoke vaguely, never going into detail.

“How did he die?”

“During the drought.” I paused for a moment, taking the time to really consider the memories of the event I had buried deep within me. “I was a child. The main barn caught fire and he died of smoke inhalation trying to free the horses from the stalls. After that is when Layla came to live with my mother and me. She lost both her parents.”

“Who is Layla?”

“Layla was my love… but she’s also gone.” I swallowed quickly, my mouth suddenly going dry. I knew I didn’t want to say it. If I spoke the truth the facts would be cemented, they would be real. No longer would any of it be in a state of flux within the sandbox of my mind.

“What happened to her?” she asked, noting my hesitation to respond and knowing I would be compelled to answer once the question was posed.

“Rachel killed her. Eric, too.” I admitted with a nervous gulp, “This city killed her and I let her die.” I could feel my heart break all over again, the overwhelming emotions manifested themselves as tears brimming in my eyes with the truth.

“Mott,” the woman began, recapturing my attention before it could drift too far. “Would you tell me, did you have an intimate and personal relationship with Eric Coulter?”

“Yes,” I replied before I could consider what I was saying. As much as I didn’t want to confess it, I knew it was true.

“Have you voluntarily had sex with Mr. Coulter?”

“Yes,” I repeated with an affirmative nod. I could feel a part of me wanting to hold back my answers, all of which I’ve denied to myself for months now, but the self conscious voice in the back of my head was currently too weak to keep anything at bay. The floodgates were open.

“Would you say that Mr. Coulter manipulated you? Using his status and authority as your boss to coerce you into sleeping with him?”

I paused for a moment, looking to her hands, folded and resting on her lap. “Yes. I was vulnerable after Layla’s death and he took advantage of that. He would come into my room uninvited. He also changed my work schedule so I couldn’t talk to Rachel. At one point I thought he cared about me, but I was just drunk.”

“Did you care for Mr. Coulter?” she pressed, getting to the point of the conversation.

“No!” I blurted out, looking at her wide eyed.

Hearing a scoff from my right, I whipped my head to the side.

I had forgotten about the audience at the long oak table. Instantly my eyes connected with Eric, the origin of the interruption.

My thought process felt almost robotic as I suddenly considered every aspect and moment of my relationship with him in a sudden onslaught. I recalled each time we were alone over the past five months. It felt like a rapid fire slide show, examining each instant as it was projected onto the inside of my skull for a split second. I could feel the familiar burning sensation of Eric’s gaze boring into me, but this time I didn’t shy away and returned his stoic stare. All I could decide as I studied him, was that he is the antithesis to Layla. Everything she was, he was not.

“I don’t love you,” I uttered as I scrutinized Eric behind the table. “I barely even like you.”

For a moment the room was completely still as I watched Eric’s expression turn to stone.

“Mott,” Cynthia spoke, pulling my focus back to her. “Would you please recount for me, from the beginning, the details of your relationship with Mr. Coulter.” I took a moment to contemplate the question before I answered.

“It started last fall,” I began, my eyes glazing over as I recollected. “I had that dream again. The one where I’m at the farm walking through the tall grass of the back forty towards the old willow tree. I don’t know why but I’m absolutely positive that she’s there, hiding just behind the hanging branches of leaves. She has to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the beginning are from My Body is a Cage by Arcade Fire https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pyp34v6Lmcc

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and this chapter were directly inspired by the song My First Kiss at the Public Execution by The blood brothers https://youtu.be/1vgYwrq8Ods


End file.
